A trigger...

I made a mistake.

On an emotional day such as today I should have known better than to watch a movie such as Enough. This is a movie about J Lo and she is getting abused by this guy she marries and she has to run for her life. I think that as I watched the movie I felt my shoulders tighten and my jaw clech because all I could think is this movie portrays it well.

You can never run far enough away and the fear you feel really does keep you from sleeping because of the vivid dreams. I think that in the end you are the only one who can protect yourself and you have to learn how to be a fighter because otherwise you die.

In my heart I wish that I could save all those women who go through such things but I know deep down that no place is safe and that you really do just have to fight to survive and hope that is enough to safe you but even then you are left with emotional scars that never fade, never go away.

I don't really think that I will ever get over or get through what I have experienced. I think those kind of shaking traumas jsut leave you with a broken heart. I don't feel like I can ever find a place safe enough to close my eyes without an entreched feeling of dread and fear. For me, the insecurities and the low self esteem I feel crushes my very spirit and life.

Seeing other people who live their lives with such a fearless force, I want to be like that but I am afraid so much of the time and I live my life looking behind my shoulder. I know the stark realities and the harsh truths and with that knowledge I can never go back to being that little girl who trusted and believed in people.

I know that all that has happened to me is in some way my responsibility and my fault and nothing anyone tries to convince me of otherwise will ever change that. For me, the pain and guilt goes too deep for mere talking. I have been told it isn't my fault by my old tdoc and by friends but I know it is my fault and my responsibility so I can't let them lie to me.

I can never wash away the dirt that pollutes me and the nakedness I always feel. These things are ever with me and never fade away. I try to go about life as others do but inside I know that I am far more damaged and for more affected by even the slightest things. Etched on the wallls of my mind are the words spoken to me by my father and they ever press me.

I find that the farther I run from the sexual abuse I went through the more it affects me. I couldn't even relax into Brandon's arms as we lay together. He kept saying your shoulders are flexed and you aren't relaxed and while I knew he was right all I wanted him to do was shut up and hold me. Sometimes I think that the little girl in me jsut wants to be held and told things will be ok. Perhaps that isn't true-things being ok-but I need to hear it because otherwise I may not have the courage to live another day.

After watching Enough I find that the triggering affect has taken some time to settle in but here it is, a blinding force. I wish sometimes to escape and perhaps that is why I dissociate, things become simply too much. I cannot even think about the endless torture that it my past, so I block it all out. Sometimes memories come and I wish they would not. I like to forget and for me it is far easier to breath when I do not remember the vivid details.

But still I remember the shaking. I shook to bad. So many times. I often cried myself to sleep as a kid. My life was too miserable not to. I prayed for a day when my brother would leave me alone. I did not want to see him. I think more than any other memory I wish that the memory of seeing my brother and sister sleeping together would go away. Knowing that she wanted him and he wanted her so badly that they did that is something that never washed from my skin.

I can never forget walking in on them. For me, that was so horrible and so awful. I never wanted attention from guys and abuse was never something I wanted but my sister asked for it everyday she breathed. She has always been so sexual and for me to realize that she was ok with it all has been a har truth in my life.

I can't bear to linger on these thoughts as they lead back to trauma. There are times I try to look back but it always leaves me traumatized all over again and I can't bear that.

Now that I have paused long enough to allow my heart back to a bearable rate of beating I can breath slightly better.

I'm letting this train of thought die where it is. I feel too raw to continue.