Meds...maybe not so much the bomb...

I'm trying to decide whether or not this not taking meds anymore thing is affecting me or not. It is day three of the no meds thing now and I have decided that I am ok. I actually feel about the same. I find this interesting since I felt so not ok until I was put on meds. I wasn't sleeping. I might even have been insane simply from the pain of my constant headaches and lack of sleep. It was an awful mess that was never ending and I almost wanted to die simply from the pain I felt and the sleep I felt was lacking.

I wanted so badly to sleep and to not feel pain that I overdosed on a ton of meds.

...and then I saw Dr. Reuther and was put on the original Invega for the dissociation, lack of sleep, night terrors, and all. I remember that first night on the meds and suddenly it was like being held on someone's loving arms for the first time. I felt myself slip into oblivion and I released my jaw bone for the first time in months. I felt myself grasping for my sanity and it answering when I called for it.

After that first night with a taste of peace I was hooked, but suddenly after some time had passed, all of it seemed to slip. I started not sleeping as well but it was still rather dreamless most nights. I began to find myself shifting into dissociation at times though certainly not as often as before.

I feel like something is lacking from my life., an understanding. I know that I have searched high and low for this sense of loss and wondered if I would find it. I have not found it and I think I have reached a place in my life where I do not feel so empty without it. I have let this search go unfound. I have often thought that if only I found what was missing, that I would finally be able to be happy, but I have had the most peaceful feeling lately in realizing that life is for the taking and that I do not need a permission to have at it. I am ready to start fighting for what makes me tick and sop looking for answers in everything.

Recently I have become more aware of projection and the way we see ourselves and our world as being shaped solely by our experiences previously. I see people who suffer from depression so clearly because the last ten years of my life have been soaked in a learned helplessness that leaves me lying on the floor with no will to live.

I know that many times in life people do not see what I see because they have not had as many experiences as me and that is ok. I actually sometimes think they are better off. I think that if a movie were made of my life it was be rated H, for hellish awfulness unfit for any eyes.

Back to the meds thought, I am so ADD that sometimes I foget why I start writing and I open new doors and forget about the ones already open. So anyway, I think that the meds help me live more as a "normal" person, meaning I slept, I ate, I went to class, I cried, etc.