Thursday, October 15, 2009
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Thoughts that never make sense in my head...
I keep thinking about life, where I'm at, where I am going, etc. There are so many things left unsaid to all the people gone, dead to me. So many things I would have said to my father, so many endless things I would have said to Krista. Looking back on all those years and the endless pain I felt, it seems only just to say what I always kept inside. It only seems fair for me to say a few things when all those years I was battered into silence. But nothing in life is fair. People get away with murder and people die who could have really made the world a better place.
I was sitting in bed lost in mindless numbing panic and found myself cocking the .45 colt. Wtf? Idk. Sometimes it is crazy how I find my mind lost in everything that is not present. I listen to music jsut to bring me back to earth. The music fills me and emotion tries to surface once again. Only with the feeling tears well up in my throat and it hurts jsut to hold them back but hold them back I do because no matter how long I live or what happens I know that to show emotion is to be weak and vulnerable. I will not let myself be hurt anymore. The risks. My mind screams to run from the impossibility of a life different from the one I've always known.
I smoke away my lungs to drown out my doubts and fears. I try to numb the echoing panic that resonates inside the walls of my mind like a racquetball bouncing constantly back and forth between walls. Sometimes death creeps in. I try to pretend it doesn't. Yesterday was bad. Today is worse. I dare not socialize one single bit today. I know what my eyes show and some secrets are never meant to see the light, like the absolutely debilitating depressed and hopelessness that fills me.
For a while things looked up but now I feel like they are stretching at the seems and I try to hide my fear. I try to act like the seams are not ripping apart the fabic of my life. To have nothing is to find true humility. When you have nothing to lose and yet you try to still act decent, that is the moment where heroes are made. Heroes are not known. Heroes act in the dark of solitude, when no one sees their greatness.
When you find someone who makes your life half as difficult you hang on but when you find a friend who is by your side through drunken nights and stays in the mental hospital and still calls three years later to ask for your support through hard times you know that the friendship is like a highway; it goes both ways and you hold on to that person for a lifetime. My hat is off to Lesley for the courage with which she tackles life after people kick her down; for her loyalty amid the easier way of being like everyone else. *tip of the hat*
I've been thinking about so many things that my brain rattles from the overuse. I am suddenly hit by the reality of what happens if things don't work out. If I end up alone. Not that I think I will, the proposal went through, but I just wonder sometimes.
I was sitting in bed lost in mindless numbing panic and found myself cocking the .45 colt. Wtf? Idk. Sometimes it is crazy how I find my mind lost in everything that is not present. I listen to music jsut to bring me back to earth. The music fills me and emotion tries to surface once again. Only with the feeling tears well up in my throat and it hurts jsut to hold them back but hold them back I do because no matter how long I live or what happens I know that to show emotion is to be weak and vulnerable. I will not let myself be hurt anymore. The risks. My mind screams to run from the impossibility of a life different from the one I've always known.
I smoke away my lungs to drown out my doubts and fears. I try to numb the echoing panic that resonates inside the walls of my mind like a racquetball bouncing constantly back and forth between walls. Sometimes death creeps in. I try to pretend it doesn't. Yesterday was bad. Today is worse. I dare not socialize one single bit today. I know what my eyes show and some secrets are never meant to see the light, like the absolutely debilitating depressed and hopelessness that fills me.
For a while things looked up but now I feel like they are stretching at the seems and I try to hide my fear. I try to act like the seams are not ripping apart the fabic of my life. To have nothing is to find true humility. When you have nothing to lose and yet you try to still act decent, that is the moment where heroes are made. Heroes are not known. Heroes act in the dark of solitude, when no one sees their greatness.
When you find someone who makes your life half as difficult you hang on but when you find a friend who is by your side through drunken nights and stays in the mental hospital and still calls three years later to ask for your support through hard times you know that the friendship is like a highway; it goes both ways and you hold on to that person for a lifetime. My hat is off to Lesley for the courage with which she tackles life after people kick her down; for her loyalty amid the easier way of being like everyone else. *tip of the hat*
I've been thinking about so many things that my brain rattles from the overuse. I am suddenly hit by the reality of what happens if things don't work out. If I end up alone. Not that I think I will, the proposal went through, but I just wonder sometimes.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
By the by...I am addicted to more than drugs...
Haha. Hilarious dream lastnight. I remembered it cus I was just flipping channels and came across greys anatomy. I don't even like the show. Lesley and Brittany used to make me watch in back in the day though on girls night. It was ok but nothing great. So ya the dream. I totally had a dream that I had sex with the asian girl on the show and I can't even think of her name. She annoys the crap outta me so it's funny. Maybe this is the kinda thing I shouldn't admit? But hey whatever.
I think it's funny. I have only had one other dream like that, that I remember anyway.
It's weird though cus I have been helping a couple of friends lately with some things and it makes me think. I have been realizing that in reality I am not all that messed up compared to all these lds people. I have always felt so messed up, so eternally screwed up.
Oh! Her name is Christine! Ha ha! I remembered.
Ya so my revelation. I have been seeing just how together I have been all these years. I can't believe I thought I was so messed up. I'm not saying I'm perfect now because heaven knows I'm not but I am very solid. Two of my bffs can't even contain themselves and they didn't have a sexually abusive past or have people abandon them. They have very good lives. Lives in places of the country where the lds population isn't strong though. I guess I see now that I have done ok. I don't feel so hopeless now.
In some strange way, my chance to support and love these friends has made me feel worth it again. Let me explain. I have been feeling pretty low about myself. I've been happy but somehow mixed in with that has been a feeling of not being enough. I have always had that nagging feeling ever since I was a kid. My dad pretty much cemented that one in.
Having my friends trust me enough with really big problems and letting me help...well it has restored a bit of my self image.
I mean it's nice to hear people say that they like me or whatever but doubt just sneaks in. I try to walk around like I have business existing but sometimes I don't feel that way. But enough of that.
Life is good! I have a job now! I got a really sweet job working for Odessa Parks and Recreation as a sport official! I have a job, a motorcycle, a place to live. I guess life is pretty darn good. Weird cus I never saw myself where I am now. Things have really gone my way since school ended and now I'm going to be going to school in Texas too. I guess it's just really been perfect. The only thing that would make it all more perfect is something that will never happen.
I miss my friends back home. I'm glad I'm going to Portland for a side trip from my vacation. And heck I can't wait to go to Austin. It's been what flipping three or four years since I saw Keisha? Hell, no friend should go that long between living in the same state. I've been shopping for motorcycle gear. I have this closet addiction: shopping. Shhh! Don't tell anyone! It's my little secret! I'm gonna get a fox jersey once I actually have enough money to be secure in buying stuff.
P.S. Love isn't love til you give it away.
I think it's funny. I have only had one other dream like that, that I remember anyway.
It's weird though cus I have been helping a couple of friends lately with some things and it makes me think. I have been realizing that in reality I am not all that messed up compared to all these lds people. I have always felt so messed up, so eternally screwed up.
Oh! Her name is Christine! Ha ha! I remembered.
Ya so my revelation. I have been seeing just how together I have been all these years. I can't believe I thought I was so messed up. I'm not saying I'm perfect now because heaven knows I'm not but I am very solid. Two of my bffs can't even contain themselves and they didn't have a sexually abusive past or have people abandon them. They have very good lives. Lives in places of the country where the lds population isn't strong though. I guess I see now that I have done ok. I don't feel so hopeless now.
In some strange way, my chance to support and love these friends has made me feel worth it again. Let me explain. I have been feeling pretty low about myself. I've been happy but somehow mixed in with that has been a feeling of not being enough. I have always had that nagging feeling ever since I was a kid. My dad pretty much cemented that one in.
Having my friends trust me enough with really big problems and letting me help...well it has restored a bit of my self image.
I mean it's nice to hear people say that they like me or whatever but doubt just sneaks in. I try to walk around like I have business existing but sometimes I don't feel that way. But enough of that.
Life is good! I have a job now! I got a really sweet job working for Odessa Parks and Recreation as a sport official! I have a job, a motorcycle, a place to live. I guess life is pretty darn good. Weird cus I never saw myself where I am now. Things have really gone my way since school ended and now I'm going to be going to school in Texas too. I guess it's just really been perfect. The only thing that would make it all more perfect is something that will never happen.
I miss my friends back home. I'm glad I'm going to Portland for a side trip from my vacation. And heck I can't wait to go to Austin. It's been what flipping three or four years since I saw Keisha? Hell, no friend should go that long between living in the same state. I've been shopping for motorcycle gear. I have this closet addiction: shopping. Shhh! Don't tell anyone! It's my little secret! I'm gonna get a fox jersey once I actually have enough money to be secure in buying stuff.
P.S. Love isn't love til you give it away.
Friday, August 14, 2009
The courage to live through the agony...
Broken by Lifehouse
The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK
The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you
The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you
The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK
The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you
I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Gilmore Girls flashback
Lorelai: Okay, I think we just found the first room in the history of the world that would've made Liberace say 'Whoa. Step back. No one's that gay.'
Rory: Mom?
Lorelai: Oh.
Rory: You're happy.
Lorelai: Yeah.
Rory: Did you do something slutty?
Lorelai: I'm not that happy
Rory: So how was in seeing Max last night?
Lorelai: Well...
Rory: No gory details.
Lorelai: Like I've ever shared that part of my relationship with you.
Rory: You've alluded, you've insinuated, you have tiptoed to the brink of impropriety.
Lorelai: Hm, that Chilton has taught you some big words.
Rory: That's kind of the point.
Lorelai: Hey, I have kind of a crazy idea.
Rory: Those are never comforting words coming from you.
Lorelai: Hey, you didn't wake me up.
Rory: I set the clock.
Lorelai: Yes, but see, the clock stops ringing once I throw it against the wall giving me ample time to fall back to sleep. You, however, never stop yapping no matter how hard I throw you, thus insuring the wake up process.
Lorelai: Heh, you know what I just realized? "Oy" is the funniest word in the entire world.
Rory: Hmm.
Lorelai: I mean think about it, you never hear the word "oy" and not smile. Impossible. Funny, funny word.
Emily: Oh dear God.
Lorelai: "Poodle" is another funny word.
Emily: Please drink your drink, Lorelai.
Lorelai: In fact, if you put "oy" and "poodle" together, in the same sentence, you'd have a great new catchphrase, you know? Like, "Oy with the poodles already."
Rory: Hehe.
Lorelai: So from now on, when the perfect circumstances arise, we will use our favorite new catchphrase:
Rory: Oy with the poodles already.
Lorelai: I'm telling you, it's knocking "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" right out of first place.
Lorelai: I miss Max.
Rory: I know.
Lorelai: I had a dream about him the other night.
Rory: Really? Dirty?
Lorelai: No. Absolutely not. And when you're 21, I'll tell you the real answer.
Lorelai: Okay, I'm lying in bed and I'm sleeping and I'm wearing this fabulous nightgown, and like thirty alarm clocks go off, and so I get out of bed and I walk downstairs, and there, standing is the kitchen, is Luke.
Rory: Was he naked?
Lorelai: No. He was making breakfast.
Rory: Naked?
Lorelai: Ok, you have been in Washington for way too long.
Rory: [to Logan as they enter his house for dinner] Remind me to tell you about the time my mom wore her rhinestone penis T-shirt to dinner and Grandma had her car towed.
Luke: Ow.
Lorelai: Luke, are you okay?
Luke: Stupid box. Stupid lamp.
Lorelai: Hey Luke, are you being attacked by your possessions again?
Rory: I can't even open my eyes.
Lorelai: That's okay, there's nothing to see. Kirk's in a Speedo, Taylor's in a skirt, Al's in assless chaps.
Rory: Oh my God, stop. I'm never gonna be able to close my eyes again.
Rory: Oh, look, babies.
Lorelai: I never wanna hear that come out of your mouth again.
Lorelai: Independence Inn.
Emily: You really should identify yourself when you answer the phone at work.
Lorelai: Sorry. Independence Inn, major disappointment speaking. Better?
Rory: Who are the rosary beads for?
Lorelai: They're mine.
Rory: What do you need rosary beads for?
Lorelai: They're cute.
Rory: They're for prayer.
Lorelai: Well, pray they match my blue suit.
Rory: They've just upgraded you to a queen-size bed, jacuzzi tub, junior suite in hell.
Lorelai: So, I think I'm in touch with the other side.
Rory: The other side of...?
Lorelai: The *other* side!
Rory: With Republicans...?
Rory: Here's the gin. It's brown, right?
Lorelai: I love that you think that.
[Emily has purchased a very small "panic room"]
Lorelai: Hey, let's test it out. I'm gonna get you.
[makes claws with her hands]
Emily: [annoyed] Oh, my God.
Lorelai: [attempting to be scary] You better get in there, 'cause I'm a bad guy. Baah!
Emily: Stop it.
Lorelai: I'm menacing. Panic, damn it. Come on
Lorelai: Ugh. There have been very few moments in my life where I have actually wished I had one of those enormous cream pies you can just smash in someone's face, but this is definitely one of them.
Rory: Mom?
Lorelai: Oh.
Rory: You're happy.
Lorelai: Yeah.
Rory: Did you do something slutty?
Lorelai: I'm not that happy
Rory: So how was in seeing Max last night?
Lorelai: Well...
Rory: No gory details.
Lorelai: Like I've ever shared that part of my relationship with you.
Rory: You've alluded, you've insinuated, you have tiptoed to the brink of impropriety.
Lorelai: Hm, that Chilton has taught you some big words.
Rory: That's kind of the point.
Lorelai: Hey, I have kind of a crazy idea.
Rory: Those are never comforting words coming from you.
Lorelai: Hey, you didn't wake me up.
Rory: I set the clock.
Lorelai: Yes, but see, the clock stops ringing once I throw it against the wall giving me ample time to fall back to sleep. You, however, never stop yapping no matter how hard I throw you, thus insuring the wake up process.
Lorelai: Heh, you know what I just realized? "Oy" is the funniest word in the entire world.
Rory: Hmm.
Lorelai: I mean think about it, you never hear the word "oy" and not smile. Impossible. Funny, funny word.
Emily: Oh dear God.
Lorelai: "Poodle" is another funny word.
Emily: Please drink your drink, Lorelai.
Lorelai: In fact, if you put "oy" and "poodle" together, in the same sentence, you'd have a great new catchphrase, you know? Like, "Oy with the poodles already."
Rory: Hehe.
Lorelai: So from now on, when the perfect circumstances arise, we will use our favorite new catchphrase:
Rory: Oy with the poodles already.
Lorelai: I'm telling you, it's knocking "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Willis?" right out of first place.
Lorelai: I miss Max.
Rory: I know.
Lorelai: I had a dream about him the other night.
Rory: Really? Dirty?
Lorelai: No. Absolutely not. And when you're 21, I'll tell you the real answer.
Lorelai: Okay, I'm lying in bed and I'm sleeping and I'm wearing this fabulous nightgown, and like thirty alarm clocks go off, and so I get out of bed and I walk downstairs, and there, standing is the kitchen, is Luke.
Rory: Was he naked?
Lorelai: No. He was making breakfast.
Rory: Naked?
Lorelai: Ok, you have been in Washington for way too long.
Rory: [to Logan as they enter his house for dinner] Remind me to tell you about the time my mom wore her rhinestone penis T-shirt to dinner and Grandma had her car towed.
Luke: Ow.
Lorelai: Luke, are you okay?
Luke: Stupid box. Stupid lamp.
Lorelai: Hey Luke, are you being attacked by your possessions again?
Rory: I can't even open my eyes.
Lorelai: That's okay, there's nothing to see. Kirk's in a Speedo, Taylor's in a skirt, Al's in assless chaps.
Rory: Oh my God, stop. I'm never gonna be able to close my eyes again.
Rory: Oh, look, babies.
Lorelai: I never wanna hear that come out of your mouth again.
Lorelai: Independence Inn.
Emily: You really should identify yourself when you answer the phone at work.
Lorelai: Sorry. Independence Inn, major disappointment speaking. Better?
Rory: Who are the rosary beads for?
Lorelai: They're mine.
Rory: What do you need rosary beads for?
Lorelai: They're cute.
Rory: They're for prayer.
Lorelai: Well, pray they match my blue suit.
Rory: They've just upgraded you to a queen-size bed, jacuzzi tub, junior suite in hell.
Lorelai: So, I think I'm in touch with the other side.
Rory: The other side of...?
Lorelai: The *other* side!
Rory: With Republicans...?
Rory: Here's the gin. It's brown, right?
Lorelai: I love that you think that.
[Emily has purchased a very small "panic room"]
Lorelai: Hey, let's test it out. I'm gonna get you.
[makes claws with her hands]
Emily: [annoyed] Oh, my God.
Lorelai: [attempting to be scary] You better get in there, 'cause I'm a bad guy. Baah!
Emily: Stop it.
Lorelai: I'm menacing. Panic, damn it. Come on
Lorelai: Ugh. There have been very few moments in my life where I have actually wished I had one of those enormous cream pies you can just smash in someone's face, but this is definitely one of them.
Monday, August 10, 2009
As of late...
After talking with bishop about everything that went down with Jared I really began to see things in a new light. With my past and the way I react to such situations it is a given that at some point I give in. I just can't stand up to someone that much for that long. And especially after being stuck with no where to go on the lake, after hours of fighting him off I just thought "what's the point anyway?" I suppose with everything that has happened in the last few weeks I had given up on anything working out with me and anyone romantically. Honestly, I am so used to being walked out on that it doesn't feel like it even fazes me anymore. I think I get the idea of when it is about to happen and I just shut down emotionally and wait for the blow.
Jared took advantage of the situation I allowed myself, stupidly, to get into. I just was too shell shocked and affected by the last few weeks that I wasn't even in my right mind to be perfectly frank. I haven't known how to deal with everything and between the bouncing between crying my eyes out and forcing myself to work out to the point of completely overdoing it I just haven't been able to process everything. I have had so many ex-lovers come up in my mind and have had to deal with everything all over again.
I keep trying to sort out things that have happened in the past that suddenly feel like they require new scrutiny. I have sat at times completely dazed with no idea what it is I have been doing the last few hours. My mom called(she has been a support through all of this) and asked me what I had been doing for the last 5 hours and I just sat dumb struck because I honestly had no clue.
How can all of this have happened in a month's time? How could I have been through so much heartache? I just feel so overwhelmed at what my life has become.
I haven't told a single person about what happened exactly accept bishop because I have had all my abusive past come up and I have been too devastated by it all to properly deal with it. With my body bruised and my heart aching I jsut haven't known how to properly process it all. I have completely crumbled. emotionally I am in no state to deal with anything. I feel the weight of the ptsd and I just know without help I am not going to make it through all of this.
I have been talking to my mom a lot the last little while and as I have finally opened up to her and told her what has happened, atleast somewhat, she has been so supportive. I feel tremendous love from my whole family. We have had our ups and downs but they have come together to help me with everything. I feel so grateful for the love and support they have shown me. Many have turned their backs on me as a result of many things but my family has been there for me. My mom has cried with me and my sisters have felt compassion for my situation.
I have especially felt so much appreciation for my long long friendship with Linds. We have both been through so much. I was there when she almost died because of her anorexia. She was there when medications almost took my life. I was there when her heart was broken by many guys. She has been there through my many drug and alcohol experiences. I have been there for her when her roommate sliced her wrists and almost died. She is there for me now with what I am going through now. I haven't told her everything because of the abuse that I seem so unable to talk about but she gets the idea anyway because she has known me since I was a kid. Her love and support have been something that has lifted me through the last two weeks as I have struggled to accept what is and have fought to maintain my mental health status.
I have had so much to deal with but I have felt so much gratitude for the blessing in my life as I have dealt with it all. I have been blessed with many angels in my life. I truly believe that many of my friends have been sent to me to help me through many trials and afflictions. I hope that I can offer the world half of what these people have offered me. I am forever indebted to others for their strength and support.
As I have found the courage to talk about my struggles from the last 8 years of my life I have been so touched by the many people who have shown love towards me regardless.
Immediately in the aftermath of everything I often contemplated things like suicide, drugs, alcohol, and more.
Jared took advantage of the situation I allowed myself, stupidly, to get into. I just was too shell shocked and affected by the last few weeks that I wasn't even in my right mind to be perfectly frank. I haven't known how to deal with everything and between the bouncing between crying my eyes out and forcing myself to work out to the point of completely overdoing it I just haven't been able to process everything. I have had so many ex-lovers come up in my mind and have had to deal with everything all over again.
I keep trying to sort out things that have happened in the past that suddenly feel like they require new scrutiny. I have sat at times completely dazed with no idea what it is I have been doing the last few hours. My mom called(she has been a support through all of this) and asked me what I had been doing for the last 5 hours and I just sat dumb struck because I honestly had no clue.
How can all of this have happened in a month's time? How could I have been through so much heartache? I just feel so overwhelmed at what my life has become.
I haven't told a single person about what happened exactly accept bishop because I have had all my abusive past come up and I have been too devastated by it all to properly deal with it. With my body bruised and my heart aching I jsut haven't known how to properly process it all. I have completely crumbled. emotionally I am in no state to deal with anything. I feel the weight of the ptsd and I just know without help I am not going to make it through all of this.
I have been talking to my mom a lot the last little while and as I have finally opened up to her and told her what has happened, atleast somewhat, she has been so supportive. I feel tremendous love from my whole family. We have had our ups and downs but they have come together to help me with everything. I feel so grateful for the love and support they have shown me. Many have turned their backs on me as a result of many things but my family has been there for me. My mom has cried with me and my sisters have felt compassion for my situation.
I have especially felt so much appreciation for my long long friendship with Linds. We have both been through so much. I was there when she almost died because of her anorexia. She was there when medications almost took my life. I was there when her heart was broken by many guys. She has been there through my many drug and alcohol experiences. I have been there for her when her roommate sliced her wrists and almost died. She is there for me now with what I am going through now. I haven't told her everything because of the abuse that I seem so unable to talk about but she gets the idea anyway because she has known me since I was a kid. Her love and support have been something that has lifted me through the last two weeks as I have struggled to accept what is and have fought to maintain my mental health status.
I have had so much to deal with but I have felt so much gratitude for the blessing in my life as I have dealt with it all. I have been blessed with many angels in my life. I truly believe that many of my friends have been sent to me to help me through many trials and afflictions. I hope that I can offer the world half of what these people have offered me. I am forever indebted to others for their strength and support.
As I have found the courage to talk about my struggles from the last 8 years of my life I have been so touched by the many people who have shown love towards me regardless.
Immediately in the aftermath of everything I often contemplated things like suicide, drugs, alcohol, and more.
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