Haha. Hilarious dream lastnight. I remembered it cus I was just flipping channels and came across greys anatomy. I don't even like the show. Lesley and Brittany used to make me watch in back in the day though on girls night. It was ok but nothing great. So ya the dream. I totally had a dream that I had sex with the asian girl on the show and I can't even think of her name. She annoys the crap outta me so it's funny. Maybe this is the kinda thing I shouldn't admit? But hey whatever.
I think it's funny. I have only had one other dream like that, that I remember anyway.
It's weird though cus I have been helping a couple of friends lately with some things and it makes me think. I have been realizing that in reality I am not all that messed up compared to all these lds people. I have always felt so messed up, so eternally screwed up.
Oh! Her name is Christine! Ha ha! I remembered.
Ya so my revelation. I have been seeing just how together I have been all these years. I can't believe I thought I was so messed up. I'm not saying I'm perfect now because heaven knows I'm not but I am very solid. Two of my bffs can't even contain themselves and they didn't have a sexually abusive past or have people abandon them. They have very good lives. Lives in places of the country where the lds population isn't strong though. I guess I see now that I have done ok. I don't feel so hopeless now.
In some strange way, my chance to support and love these friends has made me feel worth it again. Let me explain. I have been feeling pretty low about myself. I've been happy but somehow mixed in with that has been a feeling of not being enough. I have always had that nagging feeling ever since I was a kid. My dad pretty much cemented that one in.
Having my friends trust me enough with really big problems and letting me help...well it has restored a bit of my self image.
I mean it's nice to hear people say that they like me or whatever but doubt just sneaks in. I try to walk around like I have business existing but sometimes I don't feel that way. But enough of that.
Life is good! I have a job now! I got a really sweet job working for Odessa Parks and Recreation as a sport official! I have a job, a motorcycle, a place to live. I guess life is pretty darn good. Weird cus I never saw myself where I am now. Things have really gone my way since school ended and now I'm going to be going to school in Texas too. I guess it's just really been perfect. The only thing that would make it all more perfect is something that will never happen.
I miss my friends back home. I'm glad I'm going to Portland for a side trip from my vacation. And heck I can't wait to go to Austin. It's been what flipping three or four years since I saw Keisha? Hell, no friend should go that long between living in the same state. I've been shopping for motorcycle gear. I have this closet addiction: shopping. Shhh! Don't tell anyone! It's my little secret! I'm gonna get a fox jersey once I actually have enough money to be secure in buying stuff.
P.S. Love isn't love til you give it away.
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