After talking with bishop about everything that went down with Jared I really began to see things in a new light. With my past and the way I react to such situations it is a given that at some point I give in. I just can't stand up to someone that much for that long. And especially after being stuck with no where to go on the lake, after hours of fighting him off I just thought "what's the point anyway?" I suppose with everything that has happened in the last few weeks I had given up on anything working out with me and anyone romantically. Honestly, I am so used to being walked out on that it doesn't feel like it even fazes me anymore. I think I get the idea of when it is about to happen and I just shut down emotionally and wait for the blow.
Jared took advantage of the situation I allowed myself, stupidly, to get into. I just was too shell shocked and affected by the last few weeks that I wasn't even in my right mind to be perfectly frank. I haven't known how to deal with everything and between the bouncing between crying my eyes out and forcing myself to work out to the point of completely overdoing it I just haven't been able to process everything. I have had so many ex-lovers come up in my mind and have had to deal with everything all over again.
I keep trying to sort out things that have happened in the past that suddenly feel like they require new scrutiny. I have sat at times completely dazed with no idea what it is I have been doing the last few hours. My mom called(she has been a support through all of this) and asked me what I had been doing for the last 5 hours and I just sat dumb struck because I honestly had no clue.
How can all of this have happened in a month's time? How could I have been through so much heartache? I just feel so overwhelmed at what my life has become.
I haven't told a single person about what happened exactly accept bishop because I have had all my abusive past come up and I have been too devastated by it all to properly deal with it. With my body bruised and my heart aching I jsut haven't known how to properly process it all. I have completely crumbled. emotionally I am in no state to deal with anything. I feel the weight of the ptsd and I just know without help I am not going to make it through all of this.
I have been talking to my mom a lot the last little while and as I have finally opened up to her and told her what has happened, atleast somewhat, she has been so supportive. I feel tremendous love from my whole family. We have had our ups and downs but they have come together to help me with everything. I feel so grateful for the love and support they have shown me. Many have turned their backs on me as a result of many things but my family has been there for me. My mom has cried with me and my sisters have felt compassion for my situation.
I have especially felt so much appreciation for my long long friendship with Linds. We have both been through so much. I was there when she almost died because of her anorexia. She was there when medications almost took my life. I was there when her heart was broken by many guys. She has been there through my many drug and alcohol experiences. I have been there for her when her roommate sliced her wrists and almost died. She is there for me now with what I am going through now. I haven't told her everything because of the abuse that I seem so unable to talk about but she gets the idea anyway because she has known me since I was a kid. Her love and support have been something that has lifted me through the last two weeks as I have struggled to accept what is and have fought to maintain my mental health status.
I have had so much to deal with but I have felt so much gratitude for the blessing in my life as I have dealt with it all. I have been blessed with many angels in my life. I truly believe that many of my friends have been sent to me to help me through many trials and afflictions. I hope that I can offer the world half of what these people have offered me. I am forever indebted to others for their strength and support.
As I have found the courage to talk about my struggles from the last 8 years of my life I have been so touched by the many people who have shown love towards me regardless.
Immediately in the aftermath of everything I often contemplated things like suicide, drugs, alcohol, and more.
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