Thoughts that never make sense in my head...

I keep thinking about life, where I'm at, where I am going, etc. There are so many things left unsaid to all the people gone, dead to me. So many things I would have said to my father, so many endless things I would have said to Krista. Looking back on all those years and the endless pain I felt, it seems only just to say what I always kept inside. It only seems fair for me to say a few things when all those years I was battered into silence. But nothing in life is fair. People get away with murder and people die who could have really made the world a better place.

I was sitting in bed lost in mindless numbing panic and found myself cocking the .45 colt. Wtf? Idk. Sometimes it is crazy how I find my mind lost in everything that is not present. I listen to music jsut to bring me back to earth. The music fills me and emotion tries to surface once again. Only with the feeling tears well up in my throat and it hurts jsut to hold them back but hold them back I do because no matter how long I live or what happens I know that to show emotion is to be weak and vulnerable. I will not let myself be hurt anymore. The risks. My mind screams to run from the impossibility of a life different from the one I've always known.

I smoke away my lungs to drown out my doubts and fears. I try to numb the echoing panic that resonates inside the walls of my mind like a racquetball bouncing constantly back and forth between walls. Sometimes death creeps in. I try to pretend it doesn't. Yesterday was bad. Today is worse. I dare not socialize one single bit today. I know what my eyes show and some secrets are never meant to see the light, like the absolutely debilitating depressed and hopelessness that fills me.

For a while things looked up but now I feel like they are stretching at the seems and I try to hide my fear. I try to act like the seams are not ripping apart the fabic of my life. To have nothing is to find true humility. When you have nothing to lose and yet you try to still act decent, that is the moment where heroes are made. Heroes are not known. Heroes act in the dark of solitude, when no one sees their greatness.

When you find someone who makes your life half as difficult you hang on but when you find a friend who is by your side through drunken nights and stays in the mental hospital and still calls three years later to ask for your support through hard times you know that the friendship is like a highway; it goes both ways and you hold on to that person for a lifetime. My hat is off to Lesley for the courage with which she tackles life after people kick her down; for her loyalty amid the easier way of being like everyone else. *tip of the hat*

I've been thinking about so many things that my brain rattles from the overuse. I am suddenly hit by the reality of what happens if things don't work out. If I end up alone. Not that I think I will, the proposal went through, but I just wonder sometimes.