Feeling grumpy and resentful

I feel irritable today. I just feel all grumpy cus I am still not sleeping good and I keep waking up enough not to be fully asleep but not enough to wake up so I get truly tired enough to sleep. I just keep having nightmares and I had the urge to drown myself in my pills lastnight because of it. I just hate that way I feel and I know people don't care and if I were to say yo I feel crummy cus I haven't been sleeping, people would brush it off and tell me "to get over it." I feel truly unhappy because the sporatic sleep I get. It's a really big deal to me. I feel short tempered because of it and people talking to me is pissing me off. I don't like that I am a grump today but I can't seem to pull in those feelings of disgruntled resentment.

I haven't seen Phil as much this week and it makes me a little sad. I really thought things were going somewhere. I am still taking my meds religiously but it doesn't seem to be helping some days and helping a lot others days or perhaps I jsut have better days and worse days period. Thankfully volleyball starts this week and reffing too so that will keep me busy. I did get all my homework done this weekend so that is good but I still feel stressed for some reason. Not sure why. Pdoc doesn't want to adjust my beta blocker since we are tweaking the risperdal but I think it might be necessary cus I still feel stressed and my heart continues to race. Sigh. Sometimes I think life is an uphill battle that never ends.

I feel gooooood...

I was tired yesterday around 6pm so I told myself I was going to take a nap...I woke up at 10:30pm. Ya, I tend to sleep a lot. Dang. Then I was up for about an hour, took my pills, then went back to a listless sleep til 9am. I had nightmares and felt sort of in between sleep and consciousness most of the time. I heard a voice that wasn't there the other day and it freaked me out but pdoc doesn't seem so concerned so I am trying to not feel crazy. I feel ok despite the lack of restful sleep which is odd because I used to get all distraught about it and have a whole bad day ahead when that happened. Guess the meds really are stablizing my mood. That's a good thing.

I have been spending the morning doing homework and getting a lot done which is helping me stay calm. I like being on top of stuff. I don't like feeling behind or like I am rushed because of procrastination. Phil hasn't been around the last few days because we both are busy doing homework that just keeps coming. He has been exhausted lately. Poor guy. Guess he really isn't getting enough sleep. He deserves a good massage or two.

I really do feel like I have a stable handle on life and it FEELS GOOD! I am shocked that all it took was a mood stablizer and a beta blocker. I knew those AD were fucking me over! I don't even know what to do with this new person I feel I am. Hmmmm...go hiking? Fix my crippled bike? Can't find the right hex wrench though, darn it! I'm off to the gym soon to feel good over there!

A rough patch in my recovery

Been trying to figure out if something has triggered the last two days of bad nights and the only thing I see in common is the flipping door to my room that doesn't latch and opens in the middle of the night or when a roomie leaves for class early in the morning at like 7am. For me I wake up instantly to something like that with my heart racing and freaking out that someone is in my room. It really scares me and takes a while to calm down from. I went to bed at a descent hour lastnight but at 8:30 when I left for class it was as if I had never slept. I was so tired that it has taken til about half an hour ago to finally feel awake. I just am not getting enough sleep and this is frustrating to me because I am working really hard to do well in school and personal goals.

Today especially I notice myself rather emotionless but present. I am wondering if this is meds induced. I felt very present in my psych classes today but was bored and rather uninterested. I was more apathetic than anything. I used to feel passion about things and now I only feel the shadow of what used to be what I felt. I know it's still there but it has been buried far below the surface. I FEEL MEDICATED now. I don't want to live my life as a shadow of the person I once was. On the other hand I want to live and the meds are making that happen at the moment. I kind of like the feeling of being on drugs but I know that isn't a good thing.

So I've been gaining weight on the Risperdal and I am totally utterly depressed about it. I feel so sick to my stomach to even think that I have gained weight despite running my exercise routine into the ground. I just feel hungry and it's hard not to give in to that. Ugh. I'm almost too depressed to care. I am jsut trying to eat less and exercise more. Sigh. I feel disgusting.

Nightmares

Night terrors. Not something I relish the thought of as I go to bed. I think since I am on the meds now it is almost worse when I actually do have the night terrors because I feel so sluggish and tired that I always seem to be paralyzed in fear. I just hate them and it makes me want to go sleepless for days. The little kid in me seems to think that their is still real danger and if only I could get to a safely locked place then it would drag out the enemies time getting to me, not that locks ever did much as a kid. Sigh. I don't think I will ever feel completely safe. Sometimes I want to call someone in those moments of absolute panic but I know no one would get it and it would be annoying and well I am done involving people in this BS now. I know it's my biz and I jsut sort of swallow it and pretend that I am tough.

I guess it's really a facade though. I know I'm not tough. A tough person would not fear things the way I do. When I'm with Phil I know I'm safe. I guess it's that kind os safe feeling that I am so drawn to. Not that his 6'4" build isn't intimidating but I think it's the measure of protectiveness that he shows of me that really gets me. Phil and I used to call each other in the middle of the night when we couldn't sleep. I know that he probably has the same thing going on because of the abuse he endured as a kid but he never says that that is why he calls. I am ok with that. I don't want to make him recount things. I know how painful that is. I just feel good knowing he will call me and talk to me if he feels unsafe. I feel like it is really a blessing to have someone in your life that gets you and really isn't afraid of anything about you.

I wake up and every single muscle in my body aches because I have been tightening them and flexing them in my sleep during a nightmare. I just shake like a leaf and wonder why it is I can't be man enough to just get over this stupidity and stop being a wuss long enough to get a good night's sleep. The knowledge that no one else is going to be there for me the way I need is sort of a freeing one now. I just do my own thing and take whatever comes as it comes and if I make it another day then I know it's cus of me and not some sad excuse for help.

Missed my night Risperdal...oops

So I was doing laundry lastnight and you know I was tired from all the running I did yesterday. I was surprised at the time that I had that much energy considered how depressed I have been but now I see that indeed I had NO energy because I crashed in the middle of my laundry at like 8pm. I was out cold. Tends to happen sometimes. I just get so tired that I don't know which way's up and I crash and realize later that I needed to do something. Well, this time I forgot my risperdal I take nightly. Sigh. And I was so fervent when I told my tdoc that I was taking them religiously. Dang. Well I took it this morning when I came to my senses and I am hoping for no side affects (ie sleepiness, dizziness) because I have a lot to do today. I know I need to be medicated so I have ot take it but having no side affects would be nice. Pretty please? To the med gods?

On the up side, I have been feeling slightly better the last two days. I've been running and lifting weights pretty hardcore. I jsut tell myself one more mile or 5 more minutes or whatever will keep me going and then I repeat the process. Kinda like what works with SI sometimes. Ten more minutes, rinse, repeat. I also have been getting atleast eight hours sleep but not more than ten. Seems to really make a difference. Also I am eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner as a rule. I mean I missed lunch yesterday unless you count a Nature Valley oats and honey bar. I never paid much attention to how my lifestyle affected me though the year I ran a triathlon and was working out everyday cept once a week I was pretty good. I had bad days and moments where I was depressed but mostly I was ok. I am going to really stick to this new routine of the meds and exercise with sleep and food. It seems to be breathing new life into me or something. Downside to the new meds: no dreams. Which means no good dreams though the night terrors I am fine without.

I guess I am feeling almost hopeful about the future and this is a feeling I had near forgotten. I guess sometimes there is jsut so thick a fog around that I forget that I have succeeded before and I can do it again. I mean I am capable of doin some great things. Everyone is, really. Funny how I was just about to give up and then suddenly I see that maybe I really have made some leaps ahead. I guess it's true what they say; after being in a dp cycle for so long you tend to be blind to your own progress or the affets things have on you for positive. Anyway I am actually looking forward to today....alert the media, I know. I know Phil is coming over later and I have my fun psych classes today and I just feel good. Good is a pretty awesome way to feel really. Strange. I had forgotten that I was capable of that one.

Dissociation has overcome me...

I know I am different. I am not sure exactly how yet, I am still trying to figure it out. I know something has changed; something beyond my change of pace and pattern of going back to school. I feel like I have less interest than ever before. I feel like even when it comes to deep and powerful things that I simply don't care. I am going to ask Dan(tdoc) to up my dosage of the new Risperdal in hopes that it will be more powerful against my dp/ptsd. I know that I felt better even if only in certain ways to start but now I feel I need more. I am still not ok and yes I know I need intensive therapy. I sometimes realize why relationships never work for me; I am too busy putting all my energy into therapy and meds to really give a ton of thought to people around me. I haven't been sleeping well the last few days and maybe that contributes to my lack of feeling. I simply may not have the emotion to spare of things besides my wellness.

After working out hardcore today I realize again how powerful it is on me. I felt a sudden focus on my faculties. I mean perhaps it isn't the answer ultmiately but it definitely changes things when I force myself to run "just 5 more minutes" until it has been thirty or fourty five. I know that volleyball will be my saving grace this semester at school. I am not all that forward with people about how much my MI affects my overall self but really it penetrates every fiber of what I do and fundamentally am. I need to see Dan. God I see just how much today esp as I have felt this fog so heavy. I was shocked by my bff's call about her bf getting a different girl pregnant. I wanted to be there for her but realized quickly that I am in no place to help anyone. Part of the problem is that I associate helping others with living a meaningful life and without it I feel worthless. I sometimes don't have the energy to help though. I have been dissociating and can't even talk to people in a sentence. This is worse than usual.

Over the Blue Mountains

Today's the big move. I feel like I don't have enough time but I know I do. I just have to be efficient here. I don't like road trips much since I get so violently car sick most of the time. I just don't enjoy that feeling of passing a bunch of asphalt. I do like the view over the Blue Mountains though. It is so beautiful to see the valley spread out before you as you drive through. The Gorge is a favorite of mine as well. I always feel a little sad as I pass through Multnomah Falls because I know the rest of the trip will be less green than Portland. I feel a little hopeful as I go back to school. I feel like I have been in the biggest rut of my life and now I just slipped free. I really should graduate already, damn it!

Psychology

I have been getting way into psychology recently and was at borders the other day and saw this book I really liked called; Finding Life Beyond Trauma-Using Acceptance and Committment Therapy to Heal from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder by Victoria M Follete and Jacqueline Pistorello. I am still trying to finish Cognitive Behavioral Therapy For PTSD-A Case Formulation Approach by Claudia Zayfert and Carolyn Black Becker. They are good resources and with my writing class this semester I am hoping for some good research papers I can use them for. I really like psychology even when it is limited or doesn't cover enough ground. It aids me in understanding the world around me and I like that. I make sense of things better in that context.

Sometimes reality is a bitch...

Sometimes I meet new people and I get my hopes all high thinking somehow things will be different but in the end it's sad to say that all things fall short. I keep thinking about college and how passionate I am about graduating and going on to grad school. I know I want to help people. I want people to know they aren't alone but recently I have been realizing that we are all alone and I thought that I could be there for people whenever they needed me but even I fall short; there are times I forget my cell phone or don't hear it ring and there are times I am too drained to adequately aid a friend in their time of crisis. I wish it were not so but there it is; even I cannot take away that pain of being alone from someone I care deeply for. It makes me wonder if it is worth the effort of letting people close. I mean if in the end I will be just as alone are those brief moments of togetherness worth it? There's a country song that I really love called "Completely." I know that sometimes I live in a little bit of a dream, wanting things to work out perfectly, but if I don't hope for that then what else is there to live for?

ROAD LESS TRAVELED

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood

And sorry I could not travel both

And be one traveler, long I stood

And looked down one as far as I could

To where it bent in the undergrowth

Then took the other as just as fair

And having perhaps the better claim

Because it was grassy and wanted wear

Though as for that, the passing there

Had worn them really about the same

And both that morning equally lay

In leaves no step had trodden black

Oh, I kept the first for another day!

Yet, knowing how way leads onto way

I doubted if I should ever come back

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence

Two roads diverged in a wood

And I took the one less traveled by

And that has made all the difference

~Robert Frost

Sleep and Dissociating

I have been weighing my options and what I will do from here on out and I keep thinking about everything seemingly even when I'm trying to sleep. Not that I sleep much these days. I seem to toss so much that I incur bruises and/or sore muscles. I wake up all night sometimes to fragments of nightmares and other times I just feel a gripping feeling of panic but no memory exists of a dream. I used to have a recurring nightmare where my dad was trying to kill my brother and me. It was always in the middle of the night and he had a butcher knife. I don't wake up with those kinds of vivid memories anymore though. I think the dissociation may be drifting over into my dreaming. 

I wish I felt safe somewhere. I mean I never feel safe no matter where I am sleeping. I think about moving out but really it would make little difference except that I would have to pay rent. I don't know that I will ever feel fully healed from my PTSD. I think sometimes the hardest part is not having family that support me. My mom has told so many lies over the years to my siblings about me that I just don't trust that passive aggressive woman anymore. Sometimes I latch onto guys and make them my world in some ways in an attempt to feel some kind of connection but honestly I am not so sure I feel many connections to people or life these days.

I feel like I am on the verge of taking a bunch of meds and going to bed. I think; "Hmmm, what would Ritalin, Vicodin, Cymbalta, Zoloft, Ambien, Tylenol, Advil, Sudafed, etc all do when combined in large doses?" I know this is just so far over the edge but this if where my mind goes and I sometimes feel so utterly alone when I wake up from nightmares that I consider this a very likely possibility. Sigh. People who live with significant others can't possibly feel this alone. Sometimes I realize how fucking weak I am and I just get angry and then I think I deserve such indescribable torture. I really should get rid of the many many blades I own but I like cooking...

And...I just came out of dissociating. Seems to be the only place where things don't suck or hurt.

Depression, PTSD, and Dissociation

I have been thinking a lot about this new DBT Clinic and what it would mean for me. I really really don't want to stop seeing my current therapist but you know sometimes I think I get too comfortable with her. I know I got my tattoo for myself but I know my therapist played a large part in that. Sometimes I think we are too comfortable with each other for a counselor/client relationship. I seem to be experiencing deeper affects of PTSD lately which has led to more study and research on my part. Some of my findings;

What are the symptoms of Complex PTSD?

Alterations in consciousness

This includes things such as as forgetting traumatic events, reliving traumatic events, or having episodes in which one feels detached from one's mental processes or body.

What other difficulties do those with Complex PTSD tend to experience?

• Survivors may avoid thinking and talking about trauma-related topics because the feelings associated with the trauma are often overwhelming.
• Survivors may use alcohol and substance abuse as a way to avoid and numb feelings and thoughts related to the trauma.
• Survivors may also engage in self-mutilation and other forms of self-harm

Many people with PTSD tend to re-experience the ordeal that set the disease in motion, especially when they are exposed to events or objects reminiscent of the trauma. Anniversaries of the event can also trigger symptoms. People with PTSD also experience emotional numbness, sleep disturbances, anxiety, intense guilt, depression, irritability, or outbursts of anger.

 I seem to be angry a lot lately and in almost an uncontrollable rage sort of way. I have been getting really livid with people when they don't understand me. I seem to be easily set off too. I was never an angry person but lately I just don't know.