I feel irritable today. I just feel all grumpy cus I am still not sleeping good and I keep waking up enough not to be fully asleep but not enough to wake up so I get truly tired enough to sleep. I just keep having nightmares and I had the urge to drown myself in my pills lastnight because of it. I just hate that way I feel and I know people don't care and if I were to say yo I feel crummy cus I haven't been sleeping, people would brush it off and tell me "to get over it." I feel truly unhappy because the sporatic sleep I get. It's a really big deal to me. I feel short tempered because of it and people talking to me is pissing me off. I don't like that I am a grump today but I can't seem to pull in those feelings of disgruntled resentment.
I haven't seen Phil as much this week and it makes me a little sad. I really thought things were going somewhere. I am still taking my meds religiously but it doesn't seem to be helping some days and helping a lot others days or perhaps I jsut have better days and worse days period. Thankfully volleyball starts this week and reffing too so that will keep me busy. I did get all my homework done this weekend so that is good but I still feel stressed for some reason. Not sure why. Pdoc doesn't want to adjust my beta blocker since we are tweaking the risperdal but I think it might be necessary cus I still feel stressed and my heart continues to race. Sigh. Sometimes I think life is an uphill battle that never ends.
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