Past the greenhouse...

Broken vases

It's a really odd thing but I have been feeling this really intense sort of rage towards people around me lately. I find myself completely pissed off at the girl who seems to dismiss everyone's concern as people being oddly too attached and yet I know I do the same thing myself. I know that I find people's attachment to me disturbing. I find that "Danny" attaching so quickly to me this week has me freaked out. I wonder what the hell I did to attract the attention and yet thriving on it.

I go on dbsa and find people going at one another as usual and I find that it turns me off and I find people who have to fight all the time, dull and uninteresting. And yet, those people are so odd. I mean why get riled up about it, right? But then there is a part of me that realizes that every single on of us on there is damaged in some way and jsut some do better at disguising it than others. I jsut think it is unfair for those who pretend so well that they are ok to go after those who so obviously aren't. I dunno. I find my self supremely ticked off that my name has not only been revealed needlessly but that someone continued to use it.

I suppose this anger, even rage, is stupid but friggin are you serious? I mean what the fuck? I am in class all day, stressed, then I go to the gym to relieve the build up if tension in my body adn then when I come home I find out that people are freaking out everywhere. It was attempted to get ahold of me amidst the freak out but still no one warned me nor really gave me a chance to respond. I jsut find all of it supremely disturbing and I feel I have lsot a sort of trust in everyone as a result, mostly one person, but all really. I know that my lack of trust and how it shatters so easily is a result of my life story and really most of the amazing people I know from the boards would never break my trust but...

I feel so IN my fucking head that I have to escape somehow. I feel that actions are at times unforgivable and I run from the offenders. I know I should try to work things out with people but I jsut sometimes find that once the vase is broken it jsut can't be put back together.

Brushing my Teeth

I have been trying to do a few things each day very mindfully. One of those is brushing my teeth.
It sounds sort of silly but it seems to be helping me ground myself a little each day. The other day I stand in the small bathroom with my Colgate in hand and I squeeze the very solid white paste out onto my medium bristled tooth brush. I pause to notice how firmly I am holding my tooth brush then as my routine requires, I quickly move the tooth brush under the water before beginning to brush. I hate the dry tooth paste feeling without the water and so it has become habit.

I then brush side to side. This is my routine. I notice how I do not feel the bristles so much on my teeth but rather on my gum or perhaps THROUGH my gums. I brush each section side to side as usual and then I begin the circle strokes I love so much. I notice how brushing my teeth is like having your back scratched and it feels good. I realize how silly I sound in my head but continue to observe the sensations.

I enjoy the foaming sensation I am experiencing and wonder how long the squeaky clean feeling will last after I am done brushing. I am aware of the time and how soon I need to leave for class. I find that being mindful about the brushing makes me feel more present and it is a nice reprieve from my dissociation. After the circle strokes I start the up and down ones. I notice I am not as much a fan of this stroke. Too bad, I think, it's good for your teeth.

I find that my mind is beginning to check out so I quickly lean down("who installs sinks this low?") I think, as I bend nearly in half to spit out the foam down the drain. I quickly turn on the water because I hate tooth paste sitting in sinks and I keep my sink exquisitely clean. I rinse out my mouth and turn around to grab a towel. I think how annoying it is that my towel bar in behind the door because I always have to move the door to get it. Now that the mindfulness exercise is done I drift off to the numbness that is my norm.

I have been waking in the middle of the night to this gnawing need to SI and I have been finding myself wondering why it is that it has reappeared in the surface of my consciousness now after about four months of nothingness. I suppose I have had moments when I thought of SI in the last four months but I quickly dissociated before really being conscious of it. I feel this building feeling inside myself telling me that it is only a matter of time before I give in and I realize that I believe this thought. I know deep down inside that it really is only a matter of time before I SI but I keep trying to hold out as long as possible.

Recently when I walk into the kitchen I have been having to distract myself because all I can think about is placing my arm on a scorching burner again. I know this is an incredibly stupid thought since I have permanent nerve damage from the last time but the thought has been quite persistent. I am struggling to hold it at bay. Wondering if tonight will be the night or how much longer I can place myself in denial or distract myself from this gnawing need. And then I find myself wondering what it is that I am needing that I think the SI will satisfy but I have no answer to the question. Wondering if I could keep the SI from people around me. I must not be ok but the numbness is strong.

The Great Outdoors: My Home

There's something about nature that just soothes me. I find myself at peace out in the mountains of Oregon or peaking out from the peak of R Mountain. I find that the universe is in order and all is at peace. I take my camera out to the outdoors and somehow there is something inside me that sits right. I find that I feel like I am going home. Days at the coast are so therapeutic for me. To feel the sand between my toes and lay out on the warm, coarse sand it feels like all is right and nothing can go wrong. I think back to biking through Portland and carrying my bike up the stairs to the bridges and taking pictures on the waterfront. Nothing is amiss in that world. Hiking up a mountain to the falls in Arkansas was like escaping the world around that tears at me and finding a place that I am simply me and nothing is there to judge or shift reality. From the time I walked through the redwood forest, touching the brittle bark on the trees to the times I sped through the state parks of OR there was a peace that I have never found elsewhere.

and now,

I find myself at a loss.

How I feel about myself

It's been a crazy busy week. I woke up and sprinted off to work yesterday, then came home and did homework ALL day and night. I really wanted to go to the gym but by 10pm when I was done I didn't have it in me. I hate that I am buried under so much homework this semester. Note to self: If I ever become a professor, only require homework that is absolutely necessary.

I think about what's on my mind and what feels pressing and I find that nothing is. I don't feel stressed to get homework done really so I just plod through it and eventually it gets done. I just don't feel like there is much going on with dp or the ptsd besides my sleep and eating. I can't really seem to unfold what it is that is causing the restless nights and nightmares and as for the eating it's better than in previous times but worse than it once was. I suppose there are times I do really well at eating regular and healthy meals and other times where I don't eat or eat too much. It's funny because as I have been reflecting on my self esteeem and body image I think about what I like and do not like about myself. Couple weeks ago I once again realized I don't like my nose. Odd thing, I know.

I remember way back when I was twelve a girl said she liked my feet. Odd thing to remember but I do. I remember her saying it and I remember realizing that I agreed. I like my feet, always have. I'm ok with my legs. I think they are fine. They are muscular and not extremely chunky. I'm cool with them. And my arms, I'm cool with them too. They have never been flabby, always toned and muscular too. I like my arms but then I spend a lot of time working them out with weights. I even like my hands. They're fine. I don't mind that they are kinda big cus they are long and skinny. I like my ears. They're totally fine. I like my eyes. They are unique and stunning. I like my shoulders fine. I even like my hair mostly. I just like changing the color a lot.

Now the stuff I don't care for...lips. Mine are just I dunno not the way I like. I wish they were smaller or something. I don't like my chest or my stomach. First off, I did not ask not big boobs. Seriously. Worst thing about myself I think. If I had a butt load of money I would totally get rid of them, not joking. My sister and I talk about it all the time; she would get implants and I would get a reduction. Perhaps it seems silly that me not liking only a few things about myself would totally make me feel self-conscious but well it does.

Am I ok? Or am I just not used to "stable"?

I find myself feeling very un me right now. I feel like I am pretty "stable" on my meds and all but sometimes I take a look at myself and realize I don't care about things anymore. I simply do things. I don't feel passionate about things now that I am on meds. I feel so low key that any lower and I might just be a zombie, though I already feel like one. I wake up and I go to class, I do hw, and I go to work and at the end of the day I feel like I haven't had any thoughts the whole day through. I haven't been talking to anyone recently and have been completely isolated I guess. I haven't been feeling alone lately but suddenly right now I do. I suddenly do so I took the propranolol. I have been keeping a steady stream of it coming. I don't know what I am doing anymore. I feel like I am in a fog kind of but I'm not even sure because I'm having a hard time thinking at all.

I've been getting those splitting headaches again. When I ODed two months ago and ended up going to the day treatment program it was after having headaches for days and suddenly ODing to somehow escape. I think I am stressed out of my mind but I don't even know because it is almost like my mind has shut off all communication. I don't think I've been dissociating but I somehow feel absent. Although I am all medicated and such I suddenly have the urge to OD although I don't want to die. I jsut want some kind of coma where pain doesn't exist. I've been sweating any thought out of my body and I am tempted to go to the gym right now and sweat out this headache and all this questioning I find myself suddenly doing.

I don't know why I feel off kilter. I just feel terrible though. I feel like running away on a camping trip for a few days or something. I've been reading the same page of a book over and over trying to force myself to study but I feel like I haev to DO something. I jsut feel suddenly not ok. I notice my hands shaking a I type. Now I wish I WOULD dissociate. Why do I feel all these things?

Life is a race sometimes. Right now I am barely keeping up.

I didn't sleep well lastnight. I set my alarm for a reasonable sounding time but two hours after the alarm was supposed to go off I woke in a fog. I have been having these really painful headaches lately. I keep struggling to get to my sports psych class. I really should go. I like the class but for some reason I have been struggling to get up. Perhaps 9 really was a little too hopeful for my state?

I went to the testing center to take three tests and I asked the gal at the desk if my two chapters were on one test or if there were two tests for the class. She said there was one test for each chapter. I commenced test only to discover that they were both on the same test. I couldn't take the test back and I had only hard core studied for the one thus far. I was furious.

I got a C on the test and felt like punching the retard at the desk for not paying closer attention before giving me an answer. I hate BYU-I sometimes. I just do. Actually I hate school. I like when I do well and I really was going to be prepared for those tests. I feel cheated out of a grade I deserved. I am only taking four or five tests for that class so 1 C really does matter and I wanted an A in the class. I am doing so well this semester it would seem and to have that blow has taken some wind out of my sails.

I get discouraged by such small things. I know I shouldn't feel like giving up but I do. I am still doing everything I am supposed to and the only class I am truly faltering in is sports psych because I haven't gone three times. It counts against me in that class to miss class and of course it's the one class I am missing. I wish I woulda just scheduled psych whenever but of course I was trying to put together the perfect schedule and thought one tiny slip wouldn't be so bad. I really don't do early classes. The funny thing is that I put together my schedule this way for a couple key reasons that never panned out. I did of course plan around the group on Wed but I had other reasons and those reasons feel so pointless now. I had scheduled to take Dan Barnes Psych class and when the prof changed I almost thought of dropping it for another semester but knew I needed to take it so here I am almost deja vu studying and taking the same tests again. I am going to force myself to go to sports psych Thurs. I am such a slacker sometimes.

We've been doing some family history research on marriages in our families for my marriage class and I am beginning to see some consistent patterns in my family. Lack of communication is a big barrier for the marriages. I think that it might even be the biggest one; after all, Allie and Amy got divorced for lack of communication among other reasons. I have noticed that dp seems to affect marriages too. I guess I have always known this but to actually see it is different somehow. I seriously think I am better off not getting married but there is a part of me that really wants to be a mother and spouse. I feel a tug and pull because of the whole lesbian fight but right now I feel it best to sit out the fight and just do school. After all, I have made it my life. I really want to do well and have made some goals towards that end. I have of course slipped on the attending all classes goal but well sometimes we mess up. That's why we have knees; so we can get back up and comtinue on.

I've made some goals towards fitness too. I registered for the Teton Dam Marathon ages ago to run in the 10K which is a feat for me since I haven't run a 10k since New Year's of '08 and even then it was a struggle. I love the First Run on new year's in Portland though. I have been trying to build my endurance better and get my time down. I have been running less than a 10K at the gym but am building up to the all impressive 10K. I know it will be a great triumph for me to run it and I am doing it to instill a sense of success and accomplishment in myself.

Btw, I wonder how many other people are depressed by the school's announcement of student deaths via email. It really is the weirdest thing I have ever heard. I remember the email about Travis. Of course there was no mention that he had committed suicide via pills and that his roommate didn't find him til he had been dead for hours. Sigh. I hate funerals. I hate that Our close friend Dave died recently. I hate that people suffer. He was a truly great and generous man and to hear my friend Zach play the piano via recording from Mexico really broke my heart. It seems that death has touched all of the people I grew up with in ways that people don't often experience death. Allison dying of cancer in her twenties and leaving her little girl and husband in law school was pretty shaking for me.

I worry about my grandfather that I love so dearly because he has had cancer(now in remission) and has diabetes, and has had stints put in arteries. I just worry because I don't know what I will do when that day comes that I lose my grandparents. I love them both and they have been parental figures in my life. The fondest memories I have in my life are times spent with them. And...right on cue the faucet turns on. Sigh. Time to do something else.

My fears...

I'm realizing a problem with me being live online the last few months. I am inconsistent. In person I never know what to say, I fumble for words, I get nervous, and I just seem like a different person. Somehow on paper(online) I am not so afraid of things. I don't care so much if someone is offended by me. I find myself feeling free somehow. I guess I feel like I own this space. I know that perhaps it is rather scary for people like Linds, who has known me for a clear decade, to read what I write because it really isn't the person you see in person.

I feel almost bad all of a sudden for the inconsistency. I guess I should be more real in real life. I feel real in real life but rather I suppose I should be more vocal. I never used to feel like an anxious person around others but suddenly I am tossing this idea around. I suppose I don't feel listened to IRL so I have found a great solace in writing online. I know that people care about me IRL but I never really get the chance to share who I am ona deep deep level. I'm not trying to shift the blame to other people cus God knows I certainly am to blame mostly.

I know that my fears tend to rule me in a lot of ways. I wonder why it is that I suddenly feel like such a fearful person. I suppose the feeling has been there all a long wehn I look back(oops. trying not to look back and beat myself with that particular club) anyway. I think it is important that I suddenly see that I actually haev quite a few fears that I neevr really saw before. I would think that me seeing them will allow me to face them and somehow make peace with them or deal with them but I suppose that is to be seen.

When I think about my fears I really come face to face with my fear of rejection. I do not think myself one to hide the real me though at times I must because there are certainly people I don't allow to really know me. I fear not being enough. I think that that feeling has often been there as residual residue of my childhood and never being good enough for my father's words or love. I know that I have made leaps and bounds in coming to terms with that fear when it comes ot my father but I know that there is still so much that I have not been able to confront outloud.

I fear being alone. I know this is an odd fear for someone who spends so much of their time alone but there it is. I want to have a choice. I want the choice to be there that I could be with someone else or be alone but I do not often get the choice either way. I either am forced to be with people(ie class, being around faimly as a kid, etc) or am not given the choice to be with others(they are busy, unavailable, not dating anyone, etc). I am ok with silence and solitude but sometimes those things can be deafening in an oddly poignant way. I sometimes feel like I cannot breathe in the emptiness around me. Sometimes the silence is frightening and I don't even knwo why.

I am not always sure of my fears until I face them in the dark in a narrow alley but I know there are many and they are always there.

Taking the first step in the longest stride in the run...

So I have been emotional about relationships in the past and rather hazardously trying oh so hard to make a real solid one. I realize that I lack the people skills to really get to that place but have somehow found reason to fight that knowledge in the past. I tried oh so hard to see other people's perspective, come to their rescue in distress, and all in all make some serious compromise. I shared of myself and told certain things that seemed like things people share when they draw closer. I see now that all this forcing and shoving really was pointless and rather stupid.

I now approach relationships in a if it works it works sort of way. I don't mean that when things go rather south that I do not attempt to right my wrongs; I just mean that I do not force an easiness that doesn't exist. When it comes to people I realize a couple things. I relate to almost all but rarely if ever do others relate to a great extent to me. I saw my relating to them, in the past, as a sign of connection. I now see more clearly that simply because I feel for every stray does not mean that they feel for me. My mistake has often been in assuming that jsut because I would jump in front of a car to save so and so, that they would do the same.

The shocking splash of water came several years ago when friend A did not step out of norms to step up as a friend. It was then that I realized I might always be on my own and was going to have to somehow come to terms with that. It has taken several years and many a frustrated night and a heart wrenching goodbye, but I now do not give more than is given to me. I do not allow myself to be dragged through the dirt by another when they have never stepped in to offer a hand to me.

I am not trying to become more heartless nor do I think that I am because I am here to tell anyone who cares that I have spent many a night and day worrying about those I love and being concerned. I care about people a great deal. I am not saying that I do not. I jsut have to learn to feel those feelings without always acting on them because often it scares people how much I care. I care sometimes for reasons I cannot even explain or fathom. I simply feel things for people.

I used to mistake respect for love, love for trust, trust for love, and trust for respect. I see now that they are night and day and I have often respected people but rarely have I, if ever, trusted a person. I love all though. I have had to separate the many threads and weaves that bind me to other people in order to see what is what and who is who and finally; what people's intentions and expectations are and were.

I know that there have been people who had dreams for me that I never could live up to and there have been people like my parents who never thought I would amount to much and here I am today more than they have ever been. I think that there are simply so many factors in relationships and often I feel that I am an observer looking in at my own relationships and tweaking them and noticing patterns, even evaluating and contemplating. I often find myself weighing people. I look at a person and I think that person seems as though they deal with A, B, and C. Could they ever find room in that for me? And I act accordingly. I know this is not fair to people because I do not allow them to decide their own involvement with me but I have been taught over many many years that I make the best decisions when I leave none to be made by the other person when it come to my own issues.

I realize that this is part of the problem. Only those who push themselves into my life and my problems like Jill and Carly have really penetrated that. I couldn't fool them and they wouldn't take no for an answer. They spoke up when they knew something was up and I was taught to be real with them. It is seldom that I get a chance to be real with people and I cherish those moments but I seem unable to take the risk and dive in on my own without an invitation to the party first.

To be or not to be alone

I'm tired of being told that I am not social enough. My roommates seem to have taken it upon themselves to make it a goal to get me out a certain amount that they have apparently decided upon. I do not feel the need to be social the way they are and seriously I wish my autistic roommate would just shut up for even 5 minutes because I swear to God I am about to smack her. It is jsut do beyond annoying and disruptive and well freak sometimes I am trying to relax and I don't want to hear some random fact that she heard when she was 12. I am this close to telling her to shut it for good. I am truly annoyed but she is so dumb to social cues and I don't want to hurt her feelings cus maybe she really is that clueless to what is polite in life. I need my space much more than other people and she is ticking me off. I see nothing wrong with my sense of wanting to be alone so much. I like going to the gym by myself. I like watching tv by myself or atleast in silence. I like being left alone. I really do. I don't want to talk about anything to most people. Is there really anything wrong with my complete sense of autonomy?

I went to the gym today and ran 3.5 miles which for me is a good day these days. I have been lifting weights a lot and I have been trying not to get on a scale since going to the doc since well it rather disturbs me. I am trying to be ok with myself but sadly the more I work out the more I feel ok instead of feeling better about myself for more concrete reasons. I am happy that I seem to be getting back into the rhythm of being fit and losing the weight I had gained since starting the new meds. I just feel better about life when I am better looking and more fit. Perhaps that is strange but I have always been that way. I am not quite sure what else I would base my sense of self on. Sports and how well I do them is also something I base my sense of wellness on too.

On a happy note, I feel more stable than I have ever felt. Yay for that. Strange how I strove for so many years to figure out what was wrong with me jsut to find that all I needed was 1mg of Risperdal to level out. No more roller coaster. My parents always call me a roller coaster. Whatever will they call me now? By name? Heaven forbid. I finally feel in control of myself though and I gotta say it is a rather empowering feeling.

Just trying to be realistic...

I think that seeing the Truman Show years ago ruined my life. I sometimes have this paranoid feeling like everything I ever build my life on and around is somehow a creation not my own and that it could go away or change in a blink. I wonder if I really do have a realistic view of my body or if I have some kind of distorted view. How does one come to terms with their body when their body is so imperfect? How do some people do it? Even my bff seems to be ok with herself and she is way more overweight than I am. I just seem unable to control my body and it makes me mad. I want so bad to go back to 17 years old when I weighed 155 lbs and felt good and confident. I miss that feeling of not having to apologize for my body. I know my body isn't all there is to me but it's hard not to think that way sometimes. I beat myself up for any and all shortcomings. A shortcoming could be as slight as only running three miles instead of four or five or it could be as bad as eating too much and feeling like puking. I cannot accept or love myself as someone who is overweight. I reject myself. I have no idea how I would or why it would be important to accept myself it that light.

I have been having my dizzying headaches again today and lastnight. I haven't had those aching and even sharply painful headaches much since moving out of my parents. I used to have to sleep during the day under heavy drugs in complete darkness becasue my headaches would be so bad. I just get these insane sinus headaches and I almost want to scream. I think that was why I even took all those pills before going to the hospital program recently. I just wanted to escape all the pain. I can't think through such numbing and mind blowing pain. I just took all thsoe pills to silence the pain. I couldn't take it and now that it seems to be coming back in part it scares me. I think that kind of pain makes me do some pretty crazy things.

Another thing that I keep thinking about is how I am so not ready for any kind of intimate relationship. Even if I were skinny again or good looking I still wouldn't be ready. I just don't seem capable of opening up or letting someone close. I can't get over my abuse and the things that have become embedded in who I am.

Why I am the way I am

I've been dreading sleep again. I'm not even quite sure why the flare up of fear has occurred. I just haven't been sleeping well the last few days and have been struggling to keep up with day to day things though at times I much to do I feel quite dispassionate about doing it. I have been having the night terrors/nightmares more. I have been cleaning a lot and I guess that is a sign that I feel out of control in my environment or so it's been in the past. I have been having a hard time focusing on studying again too. I have been doing so well at staying on top of classes these first two weeks of class but I am finding myself unconcerned about missing classes again and well I just keep forcing myself to go but even when I do that I still don't get much from it.

I find myself almost entirely issolated and I have been trying to pinpoint factors. What comes to mind is my growing social anxiety. I seem to have issues being in front of people more than ever. I don't even want to sit in the front of a class. I feel like staying home and studying rather than going to fhe. I mean sure maybe it would be ok but I care a whole lot more about school than any church function and well my heart just isn't in it. I think that people are great but I seem to be pulling away from them more and more. I don't pocess the capabilities to give people the kind of reactions/relationships they want. I am apathetis towards most things they talk about and am struggling too much to make my own way through my day. Unless someone spikes my attention I find myself tuning them out. I know that is cruel but I seem pretty unable to stop myself from tuning things out these days. I even find myself tuning out my annoying professors. I would rather stay home and study the books than listen to them.

I know that I am jsut naturally someone who like their space and alone time but I am wondering how bad it is or if it's a sign of my depression that I am so issolated. I know in the past being issolated has been a sign of severe depression but now that I'm on meds I feel like I am handling things ok. I know that issolation alos can make my depression worse but I am not so sure that this time all of that applies.

I guess my feeling of being so different from those around me keeps me from socializing too. I like sports cus people in them seem more open to people talking about things openly. In high school it wasn't uncommon for the whole team to talk about issues at home or at school. We jsut all were honest about stuff and open. We knew that the left fielder in softball had an alcoholic dad. We jsut knew and it was no big deal. We watched out for each other. I like that about sports. So much of it transfers to real life. I think that is why I am so attracted to being a ref, coach, captain, and athlete. I know that it is because of sports that I have become so much the person I am today. I may not have been the best batter on the team but I knew my place and I knew I was included. On swim team I knew that my best was ok and I could always feel a winner when I really knew I had given my all. It isn't like that in school or real life most times. It's all about the outcome and not so much about the process or the experience.

Although I quit competitive volleyball I am still going to play on some rec teams because I think I need to atleast be playing sports a couple times a week. I just seem to do better in life when I am playing sports. I may not have the time or emotional availability to play competitive but I still have a need to be out there playing. I like that I work in sports too. Makes me happy on the days I am reffing. I wish that people realized jsut how much sports could help people. I think that it would be the coolest thing ever to be a part of an organization that got people with MI involved in sports of all levels. I knwo that as long as competition was equal between teams and members that the benefits would occur. Helps people develop integrity, coping skills, learn to achieve, build self esteem, work together, etc. I wouldn't be the open, honest, strong person I am today without sports. Sports gives me a place where there were no limitations to the things I can do.

A declaration of (and to) myself

I think in a lot of ways being an alcoholic is like being someone with a MI. For an alcoholic, the recovery includes realizing their impact on others and apologizing. An alcoholic disrupts the lives of those around them and also scares the shit out of them as well. I look back over the years and I see a few people that I truly negatively affected because of my MI. It isn't that others weren't affected; I just simply see the most expressive ones because they spoke out about it. In times of deeper depression I have often lashed out at others in frustration becasue they could not fill the emptiness that I felt in the pit of my stomach.

Those times were I felt so deep a despair that nothing could fix it were tough and I wanted to and tried to be saved/rescued by others. The problem is that no one can rescue or save me. I have fought so many fights inside myself in desperation, trying to find someone or something that would save me or heal me. I see now that no one can save me. I see that I am helpful and need help from professionals.

Now that I am out of the fog of the deep depression, at least in a way, I see that I have left many people in the wake of my destruction. I hurt friends who felt it was their responsibility to keep me safe and away from pain. They wanted to help but I couldn't or wouldn't let them. I involved so mayn people in my life and when I couldn't be there for them it became a one sided relationship of me receiving help but not being able to give back.

The point is not that I couldn't give back. While it is true that I am not capable of a deep relationship with anyone that is not the point. The point is: those people's needs were not met but sacrificed for my sake. When those friends had trouble of their own they feared triggering me and never asked my help, not that I could have given them any if they HAD asked. I hurt people BECAUSE I was hurting. It makes sense to me now. I suddenly see my responsiblility to those I have hurt. I think it is part if the reason I do not form many friendships.

Just as an alcoholic has to see the magnitude of the wreckage they have created in the path of their alcohol consumption I too have hurt and affected many in my life that I feel a responsibility towards. I feel that I require their forgiveness for the pain I have caused them. I feel a deep sense of regret and remorse for the things I have put them through. When I ODed and was supposed to be dead in a day...who was I really hurting? I hurt the people around me. I hurt my good friend who was there at the time. When I hurt myself I am hurting those who care about me.

I owe it to those around me to stop vocalizing such deep agony and despair. I may feel a profound sense of hopelessness, even surrender but I can never allow myself to attempt to hurt myself again for it is because of the people around me that I have made it this far and I owe it to them to truly live my life as a perfect(whole nad complete) person. I owe it to them to try and see what they see in me. This is jsut the beginning of something new for me but I want to put all of myself into trying to become better and not just DOING better. I know that my decisions and actions make who I am and I am ready to step out of the old self and into a self that is willing to put all on the line in order to BECOME MORE.

My name is Sher and I'm an alcoholic.

I watched In Plain Sight tonight and when Mary's mom pleaded guilty to drunken driving it just struck a cord for me. It might be that my own road to a sober life and realizing that I am not able to control my alcohol consumption came up. I remember all too well many nights out late with a certain bf and him letting my drive home drunk. I am still to this day not sure how it was that I never passed out before getting home. I think that I thought it was fine because I only got drunk and then drove real safe and careful home. The thing is though, I have no idea how safe or unsafe I really was. I look back now and can hardly remember all the times I got drunk and drove. I think when I called Lester drunk was the beginning of an eye opening experience. I called her up driving 90 MPH and told her I wanted to come over. She knew I was drunk. I never was good at hiding that. She told me no I couldn't come over after driving drunk and that I needed help getting sober and getting on psych meds. I knew she was right but it made me mad that she spoke to me that way so I flew off the handle at her. I am lucky she is still in my life today. It has been almost two years since then.

Some days I barely make it through alive and sober. I think that sometimes people don't get that I live day to day. I always have. It's just the life I live. I think that had my childhood been different; had my father not beaten my self esteem into non-existence and my brother not sexually abused me, maybe, jsut maybe, things would be different. But then maybe I really am jsut this messed up with or without my past. Guess I'll never know. All I know is that sometimes I wish someone knew me, really knew me because deep down I know that I have never truly let anyone in.

I had a bf at one point who wouldn't mind getting me drunk, in fact I remember many a time waking up somewhere I had no recollection of going to with him. I think that I tried so hard to drown my pain in beer and margaritas that I lost a part of myself in those years. It wasn't until last 4th of July that I realized I had lost it. I went to another city for the weekend to party with an old friend. We went to some guys house that she knew through a guy she worked with. I started drinking and the people there were chill and pretty cool really. I remember having several, maybe 4 Coronas and then having maybe 7 Smirnoffs before I lost all consciousness of how much I was drinking. My friend and a guy were smoking pot. Bad combo. I knew I wasn't ok but I didn't care. Atleast in that moment I lacked the consciousness to know if I cared.

The last thing I remember is waking up the next day sometime in the afternoon on a couch back at my friend's place. She said she thought I was dead at one point. I think I musta been close from the things she said. I am frankly surprised she got me home in one piece. I had drove to the party in the first palce and was drunk driving there so the fact she knew how to get home was a miracle. I think that I finally came to terms with my state that time around. I had attended AA meetings before but never real consistently. I pull out my book every now and again when things get hard though. I think that not drinking is one of the champion things in my life right now. For me, it's really hard to go day to day without drowning myself. I struggle. Watching In Plain Sight tonight brought all that up for me. Sometimes I wonder how I even got sober to begin with after that weekend last July.

Feeling defeated...

I have been trying not to freak out about something recently. I have been losing my hair. Ya. Not kidding. Seems to be a permanent thing cus it's been happening about the last week and a half that I have noticed and it is freaking me out. I have no idea why it's happening or what is causing it. I am not a nervous kind of person so I just can't see it being cus of that. I can't seem to figure out what it could be from though and now I am contemplating cutting my hair really short cus this whole thing has got me spooked. I can't imagine hair loss being a side affect of my meds but perhaps I should check again.

I have felt agitated the last day or two. I jsut seem to be antsy and a little on edge. I find myself fiddling with a pen or compulsively flipping my phone back and forth between side ways and flipping up-I have a Samsung 740. I have been avoiding people pretty consistently and I am beginning to wonder if this is a really bad thing even if it is just the way I am. I haven't felt like being around my roommates much since they have a distain for each other and it seems I am the only barrier between a severe fight breaking out. I have been trying to stay positive but the whole diabetes thing is so much more than a simple fix. I bought some specific health foods to help but right now I feel pretty weak sauce since I work out and eat well but still seem to be gaining weight or atleast not losing the weight already gained. Perhaps it really is crazy but I am this close to beginning a daily regimine of puking after eating. I swear I am just too disgusted by this and I can't handle it anymore. I keeping thinking about how bad it is for me to puke but you know at this point I just can't figure out what else I can do. I guess it's time to take that drastic action just freak I aint gonna take it lying down.

Dude, I Think Meds are the Bomb...

I've been having nightmares again. It's odd though because I don't fully come out of sleep anymore so the panic is more in the dream than out. I have been waking up sweating but freezing. Odd. I have these nightmares where I am always striving to protect people who cannot protect themselves and in the end the impending doom is eminent and I end up with complete panic coursing through my veins. I know these dreams are saying something. I am just not sure what. I have dreams about dying and about my father. I really do know I can be safe somewhere but the one place I can never be safe is my dreams. I wish that I could somehow feel at peace in sleep but I do not. Atleast it is not as bad as when I was at home. Grinding one's teeth to the point of requiring a dentist's intervention really sucks. I hate dentists and I hate the pain of waking to a locked jaw. I remember the first time I spent the night with someone who told me "Hey dude you grind your teeth like a maniac." I think as time as gone by and I have gone to safe places and found safer people I have relaxed more but my BFF still says she feels me twitching andhears me grinding my teeth in my sleep.

So I don't really let people in but I let in a few still and sometimes those few end up really hurting me still. I think I made a big mistake trying to give Phil another chance. The guy is still sneaking around with other girls. It's not even that I would mind if he did see other girls, hell he could even be sleeping with them, I jsut want to know about it and not be lied to. He knows all this and yet I still find him with a girl this week. It was completely by accident and only by spontaneous action that I even had the chance to see. I mean he knew he was in deep shiz I think because he did that glazed over look. So, he texts me today you know asking if I'm ok how I'm doing and trying to hint that he wanted to hang out. I just let it go and wouldn't say anything specific, said I had hw which was true and didn't go see him. I was hanging out with a les friend and we were trying to move a bookcase from one apt to another two blocks away and it was proving rather tough so I call him to ask him to help. He of course doesn't pick up. Big surprise. He is pouting again. I don't even care. That is the thing. He tries so hard to get me to care about lame drama and I just don't. So friend tries calling him even though I say dude just leave it. He calls her back but she doesn't pick up. Whatever. She is a good friend. Sticks up for me and shiz. I guess it is pretty much over with Phil cus I aint doing this drama this semester. I got enough on my plate and the agreement was to be low key and no drama which he broke.

I realized that my TAing is at the same time as my tdoc appt which since I only saw him once so far isn't all that crazy that I wouldn't realize but anyway realized I won't be able to see him this week either which I am surprisingly fine with. I usually flip if I miss an appt with docs but I am fine. The new medicated Sher is way chill like a chic who's been smoking weed and just chillin on the porch. I just am like whatevs man. I did get all my hw done today so this next week I have to study for a couple tests but shouldn't be too bad.

I am surprised how much I don't feel the need for people these days. I just don't socialize and I am fine. It's way different cus I used to have to talk to atleast my bff but now I can go days without talking to people and I'm fine. I don't even speak in class and I'm totally chill. I guess I jsut realized people don't really live up to my expectations or something. I have no idea. I don't even have expectations anymore though. I think about how I am going to do this or that but I don't stress and I don't think about heavy stuff all that much. I am jsut relaxing and then I think about how I could totally mess myself up and then I am like nope it's all good man. I guess the meds are working a good deed on me. I feel like a totally different person but hey it's all good. I think I still have personality but perhaps I am a little flat though in a really good way. It's not that I am not present cus I am totally present, I'm jsut not concerned or worried bout nothing. Go with the flow man...

Meds

Atypical Anitpsychotics:

Aripiprazole (marketed as Abilify)
Clozapine (marketed as Clozaril)
Olanzapine (marketed as Zyprexa)
Olanzapine/Fluoxetine (marketed as Symbyax)
Risperidone (marketed as Risperdal)
Quetiapine (marketed as Seroquel)
Ziprasidone (marketed as Geodon)

all increase blood sugar levels and diabetes

Diabetes wishes it was as strong as me...

Lets see...I have been a leaky faucet lately. I found out today that my diabetes has been worsened by the Risperdal. Hell the old pdoc didn't even properly warn me and I have gained twenty lbs which is just disgusting. I feel awful but not in a normal dp kind of way; more like a I can't control my friggin body kinda way. I hate it. I know if I go off the Risperdal I will be way dp again and that thought is real bad. I don't think I can go back to that place especially when I am in a place where I might change tdocs due to the current one being a tool who falls asleep in session.

Sigh. I hate that I feel so powerless. I really was beginning to feel like my life was getting into order again. I mean I felt capable of school, work, sports, etc but now...I jsut feel like I should quit volleyball but apparently they are still keeping me atleast til I make up my mind on Saturday at the tournament. I keep crying and it sucks but I don't even try to hold back anymore; I just let the tears flow because I feel them and why not let them exist?

Now I am adding insulin to the Rhinocort, Zertex, Risperdal, and Propanolol that I take daily currently. I love life. Well I do love parts. I love volleyball. I love sunsets. I love the beach. I just hate meds and I hate ptsd and dp. I do love Phil, not that we have a lot of time to see each other anymore. Sigh. Sometimes I just don't tell him things and I have no idea why. Why is it I don't tell him how bad things are? I guess I am afraid if I show him how scared I am at times and he doesn't show me love than I feel like something has been ripped inside.

I have been trying so valiantly to keep up with school but I am feeling the strain. I am going to see X Men:Origins with my two roommates though so atleast I am still trying to do fun things for myself. I have so much to do this weekend though. SO much religion homework. I feel like I am being slowly crushed. I dissociated in English today and suddenly I realized it and felt so sad that it happened but happy that it seemed a while since I had done it. I count one day without dissociating now as normal instead of abnormal. It's nice. Nice to go a whole day present. I don't lose earings anymore. Silly but something I like. I feel more vitality as a person now. The meds have given me new life and now to wonder if I have to take that away just makes me cry. I want to be alive in my own life and living every breath instead of waiting each moment for feelings to pass as I resist a lifeless feeling of powerlessness and hopelessness.

I'm working on a paper about CS Lewis for english and I feel I can do it. A month ago that wouldn't have happened nor would I have felt capable. I am going to classes and I am eating and most exalting...I'm sleeping! I'm really sleeping. I'm sleeping. Oh what a glorious thing to say outloud. I want to shout it from the roof of my apt! I mean hell I have never in my life woken like this and not thought a second thought before leaping out of bed to start the day! All these years eating breakfast was hard for lack of sleep but now I wake up 8/9am and I eat and I read and I watch tv, I do homework and I actually EASE into my day instead of JUMPING.

If there is a god he must be a cruel one I swear. Ya? Anyone felt that way? I mean dude seriously the only med that made me non-suicidal made me shoot my blood sugar levels near triple what they should be and gain twenty lbs??? Argh!!

Brighter thought: my bike parts should be here today so I can fix it and take a spin down to the mountain for a little biking. I can't wait. I need to feel a little wind on my face and sun on my arms.