Taking the first step in the longest stride in the run...

So I have been emotional about relationships in the past and rather hazardously trying oh so hard to make a real solid one. I realize that I lack the people skills to really get to that place but have somehow found reason to fight that knowledge in the past. I tried oh so hard to see other people's perspective, come to their rescue in distress, and all in all make some serious compromise. I shared of myself and told certain things that seemed like things people share when they draw closer. I see now that all this forcing and shoving really was pointless and rather stupid.

I now approach relationships in a if it works it works sort of way. I don't mean that when things go rather south that I do not attempt to right my wrongs; I just mean that I do not force an easiness that doesn't exist. When it comes to people I realize a couple things. I relate to almost all but rarely if ever do others relate to a great extent to me. I saw my relating to them, in the past, as a sign of connection. I now see more clearly that simply because I feel for every stray does not mean that they feel for me. My mistake has often been in assuming that jsut because I would jump in front of a car to save so and so, that they would do the same.

The shocking splash of water came several years ago when friend A did not step out of norms to step up as a friend. It was then that I realized I might always be on my own and was going to have to somehow come to terms with that. It has taken several years and many a frustrated night and a heart wrenching goodbye, but I now do not give more than is given to me. I do not allow myself to be dragged through the dirt by another when they have never stepped in to offer a hand to me.

I am not trying to become more heartless nor do I think that I am because I am here to tell anyone who cares that I have spent many a night and day worrying about those I love and being concerned. I care about people a great deal. I am not saying that I do not. I jsut have to learn to feel those feelings without always acting on them because often it scares people how much I care. I care sometimes for reasons I cannot even explain or fathom. I simply feel things for people.

I used to mistake respect for love, love for trust, trust for love, and trust for respect. I see now that they are night and day and I have often respected people but rarely have I, if ever, trusted a person. I love all though. I have had to separate the many threads and weaves that bind me to other people in order to see what is what and who is who and finally; what people's intentions and expectations are and were.

I know that there have been people who had dreams for me that I never could live up to and there have been people like my parents who never thought I would amount to much and here I am today more than they have ever been. I think that there are simply so many factors in relationships and often I feel that I am an observer looking in at my own relationships and tweaking them and noticing patterns, even evaluating and contemplating. I often find myself weighing people. I look at a person and I think that person seems as though they deal with A, B, and C. Could they ever find room in that for me? And I act accordingly. I know this is not fair to people because I do not allow them to decide their own involvement with me but I have been taught over many many years that I make the best decisions when I leave none to be made by the other person when it come to my own issues.

I realize that this is part of the problem. Only those who push themselves into my life and my problems like Jill and Carly have really penetrated that. I couldn't fool them and they wouldn't take no for an answer. They spoke up when they knew something was up and I was taught to be real with them. It is seldom that I get a chance to be real with people and I cherish those moments but I seem unable to take the risk and dive in on my own without an invitation to the party first.