A declaration of (and to) myself

I think in a lot of ways being an alcoholic is like being someone with a MI. For an alcoholic, the recovery includes realizing their impact on others and apologizing. An alcoholic disrupts the lives of those around them and also scares the shit out of them as well. I look back over the years and I see a few people that I truly negatively affected because of my MI. It isn't that others weren't affected; I just simply see the most expressive ones because they spoke out about it. In times of deeper depression I have often lashed out at others in frustration becasue they could not fill the emptiness that I felt in the pit of my stomach.

Those times were I felt so deep a despair that nothing could fix it were tough and I wanted to and tried to be saved/rescued by others. The problem is that no one can rescue or save me. I have fought so many fights inside myself in desperation, trying to find someone or something that would save me or heal me. I see now that no one can save me. I see that I am helpful and need help from professionals.

Now that I am out of the fog of the deep depression, at least in a way, I see that I have left many people in the wake of my destruction. I hurt friends who felt it was their responsibility to keep me safe and away from pain. They wanted to help but I couldn't or wouldn't let them. I involved so mayn people in my life and when I couldn't be there for them it became a one sided relationship of me receiving help but not being able to give back.

The point is not that I couldn't give back. While it is true that I am not capable of a deep relationship with anyone that is not the point. The point is: those people's needs were not met but sacrificed for my sake. When those friends had trouble of their own they feared triggering me and never asked my help, not that I could have given them any if they HAD asked. I hurt people BECAUSE I was hurting. It makes sense to me now. I suddenly see my responsiblility to those I have hurt. I think it is part if the reason I do not form many friendships.

Just as an alcoholic has to see the magnitude of the wreckage they have created in the path of their alcohol consumption I too have hurt and affected many in my life that I feel a responsibility towards. I feel that I require their forgiveness for the pain I have caused them. I feel a deep sense of regret and remorse for the things I have put them through. When I ODed and was supposed to be dead in a day...who was I really hurting? I hurt the people around me. I hurt my good friend who was there at the time. When I hurt myself I am hurting those who care about me.

I owe it to those around me to stop vocalizing such deep agony and despair. I may feel a profound sense of hopelessness, even surrender but I can never allow myself to attempt to hurt myself again for it is because of the people around me that I have made it this far and I owe it to them to truly live my life as a perfect(whole nad complete) person. I owe it to them to try and see what they see in me. This is jsut the beginning of something new for me but I want to put all of myself into trying to become better and not just DOING better. I know that my decisions and actions make who I am and I am ready to step out of the old self and into a self that is willing to put all on the line in order to BECOME MORE.