Life is a race sometimes. Right now I am barely keeping up.

I didn't sleep well lastnight. I set my alarm for a reasonable sounding time but two hours after the alarm was supposed to go off I woke in a fog. I have been having these really painful headaches lately. I keep struggling to get to my sports psych class. I really should go. I like the class but for some reason I have been struggling to get up. Perhaps 9 really was a little too hopeful for my state?

I went to the testing center to take three tests and I asked the gal at the desk if my two chapters were on one test or if there were two tests for the class. She said there was one test for each chapter. I commenced test only to discover that they were both on the same test. I couldn't take the test back and I had only hard core studied for the one thus far. I was furious.

I got a C on the test and felt like punching the retard at the desk for not paying closer attention before giving me an answer. I hate BYU-I sometimes. I just do. Actually I hate school. I like when I do well and I really was going to be prepared for those tests. I feel cheated out of a grade I deserved. I am only taking four or five tests for that class so 1 C really does matter and I wanted an A in the class. I am doing so well this semester it would seem and to have that blow has taken some wind out of my sails.

I get discouraged by such small things. I know I shouldn't feel like giving up but I do. I am still doing everything I am supposed to and the only class I am truly faltering in is sports psych because I haven't gone three times. It counts against me in that class to miss class and of course it's the one class I am missing. I wish I woulda just scheduled psych whenever but of course I was trying to put together the perfect schedule and thought one tiny slip wouldn't be so bad. I really don't do early classes. The funny thing is that I put together my schedule this way for a couple key reasons that never panned out. I did of course plan around the group on Wed but I had other reasons and those reasons feel so pointless now. I had scheduled to take Dan Barnes Psych class and when the prof changed I almost thought of dropping it for another semester but knew I needed to take it so here I am almost deja vu studying and taking the same tests again. I am going to force myself to go to sports psych Thurs. I am such a slacker sometimes.

We've been doing some family history research on marriages in our families for my marriage class and I am beginning to see some consistent patterns in my family. Lack of communication is a big barrier for the marriages. I think that it might even be the biggest one; after all, Allie and Amy got divorced for lack of communication among other reasons. I have noticed that dp seems to affect marriages too. I guess I have always known this but to actually see it is different somehow. I seriously think I am better off not getting married but there is a part of me that really wants to be a mother and spouse. I feel a tug and pull because of the whole lesbian fight but right now I feel it best to sit out the fight and just do school. After all, I have made it my life. I really want to do well and have made some goals towards that end. I have of course slipped on the attending all classes goal but well sometimes we mess up. That's why we have knees; so we can get back up and comtinue on.

I've made some goals towards fitness too. I registered for the Teton Dam Marathon ages ago to run in the 10K which is a feat for me since I haven't run a 10k since New Year's of '08 and even then it was a struggle. I love the First Run on new year's in Portland though. I have been trying to build my endurance better and get my time down. I have been running less than a 10K at the gym but am building up to the all impressive 10K. I know it will be a great triumph for me to run it and I am doing it to instill a sense of success and accomplishment in myself.

Btw, I wonder how many other people are depressed by the school's announcement of student deaths via email. It really is the weirdest thing I have ever heard. I remember the email about Travis. Of course there was no mention that he had committed suicide via pills and that his roommate didn't find him til he had been dead for hours. Sigh. I hate funerals. I hate that Our close friend Dave died recently. I hate that people suffer. He was a truly great and generous man and to hear my friend Zach play the piano via recording from Mexico really broke my heart. It seems that death has touched all of the people I grew up with in ways that people don't often experience death. Allison dying of cancer in her twenties and leaving her little girl and husband in law school was pretty shaking for me.

I worry about my grandfather that I love so dearly because he has had cancer(now in remission) and has diabetes, and has had stints put in arteries. I just worry because I don't know what I will do when that day comes that I lose my grandparents. I love them both and they have been parental figures in my life. The fondest memories I have in my life are times spent with them. And...right on cue the faucet turns on. Sigh. Time to do something else.