Brushing my Teeth

I have been trying to do a few things each day very mindfully. One of those is brushing my teeth.
It sounds sort of silly but it seems to be helping me ground myself a little each day. The other day I stand in the small bathroom with my Colgate in hand and I squeeze the very solid white paste out onto my medium bristled tooth brush. I pause to notice how firmly I am holding my tooth brush then as my routine requires, I quickly move the tooth brush under the water before beginning to brush. I hate the dry tooth paste feeling without the water and so it has become habit.

I then brush side to side. This is my routine. I notice how I do not feel the bristles so much on my teeth but rather on my gum or perhaps THROUGH my gums. I brush each section side to side as usual and then I begin the circle strokes I love so much. I notice how brushing my teeth is like having your back scratched and it feels good. I realize how silly I sound in my head but continue to observe the sensations.

I enjoy the foaming sensation I am experiencing and wonder how long the squeaky clean feeling will last after I am done brushing. I am aware of the time and how soon I need to leave for class. I find that being mindful about the brushing makes me feel more present and it is a nice reprieve from my dissociation. After the circle strokes I start the up and down ones. I notice I am not as much a fan of this stroke. Too bad, I think, it's good for your teeth.

I find that my mind is beginning to check out so I quickly lean down("who installs sinks this low?") I think, as I bend nearly in half to spit out the foam down the drain. I quickly turn on the water because I hate tooth paste sitting in sinks and I keep my sink exquisitely clean. I rinse out my mouth and turn around to grab a towel. I think how annoying it is that my towel bar in behind the door because I always have to move the door to get it. Now that the mindfulness exercise is done I drift off to the numbness that is my norm.

I have been waking in the middle of the night to this gnawing need to SI and I have been finding myself wondering why it is that it has reappeared in the surface of my consciousness now after about four months of nothingness. I suppose I have had moments when I thought of SI in the last four months but I quickly dissociated before really being conscious of it. I feel this building feeling inside myself telling me that it is only a matter of time before I give in and I realize that I believe this thought. I know deep down inside that it really is only a matter of time before I SI but I keep trying to hold out as long as possible.

Recently when I walk into the kitchen I have been having to distract myself because all I can think about is placing my arm on a scorching burner again. I know this is an incredibly stupid thought since I have permanent nerve damage from the last time but the thought has been quite persistent. I am struggling to hold it at bay. Wondering if tonight will be the night or how much longer I can place myself in denial or distract myself from this gnawing need. And then I find myself wondering what it is that I am needing that I think the SI will satisfy but I have no answer to the question. Wondering if I could keep the SI from people around me. I must not be ok but the numbness is strong.