My name is Sher and I'm an alcoholic.

I watched In Plain Sight tonight and when Mary's mom pleaded guilty to drunken driving it just struck a cord for me. It might be that my own road to a sober life and realizing that I am not able to control my alcohol consumption came up. I remember all too well many nights out late with a certain bf and him letting my drive home drunk. I am still to this day not sure how it was that I never passed out before getting home. I think that I thought it was fine because I only got drunk and then drove real safe and careful home. The thing is though, I have no idea how safe or unsafe I really was. I look back now and can hardly remember all the times I got drunk and drove. I think when I called Lester drunk was the beginning of an eye opening experience. I called her up driving 90 MPH and told her I wanted to come over. She knew I was drunk. I never was good at hiding that. She told me no I couldn't come over after driving drunk and that I needed help getting sober and getting on psych meds. I knew she was right but it made me mad that she spoke to me that way so I flew off the handle at her. I am lucky she is still in my life today. It has been almost two years since then.

Some days I barely make it through alive and sober. I think that sometimes people don't get that I live day to day. I always have. It's just the life I live. I think that had my childhood been different; had my father not beaten my self esteem into non-existence and my brother not sexually abused me, maybe, jsut maybe, things would be different. But then maybe I really am jsut this messed up with or without my past. Guess I'll never know. All I know is that sometimes I wish someone knew me, really knew me because deep down I know that I have never truly let anyone in.

I had a bf at one point who wouldn't mind getting me drunk, in fact I remember many a time waking up somewhere I had no recollection of going to with him. I think that I tried so hard to drown my pain in beer and margaritas that I lost a part of myself in those years. It wasn't until last 4th of July that I realized I had lost it. I went to another city for the weekend to party with an old friend. We went to some guys house that she knew through a guy she worked with. I started drinking and the people there were chill and pretty cool really. I remember having several, maybe 4 Coronas and then having maybe 7 Smirnoffs before I lost all consciousness of how much I was drinking. My friend and a guy were smoking pot. Bad combo. I knew I wasn't ok but I didn't care. Atleast in that moment I lacked the consciousness to know if I cared.

The last thing I remember is waking up the next day sometime in the afternoon on a couch back at my friend's place. She said she thought I was dead at one point. I think I musta been close from the things she said. I am frankly surprised she got me home in one piece. I had drove to the party in the first palce and was drunk driving there so the fact she knew how to get home was a miracle. I think that I finally came to terms with my state that time around. I had attended AA meetings before but never real consistently. I pull out my book every now and again when things get hard though. I think that not drinking is one of the champion things in my life right now. For me, it's really hard to go day to day without drowning myself. I struggle. Watching In Plain Sight tonight brought all that up for me. Sometimes I wonder how I even got sober to begin with after that weekend last July.