Just trying to be realistic...

I think that seeing the Truman Show years ago ruined my life. I sometimes have this paranoid feeling like everything I ever build my life on and around is somehow a creation not my own and that it could go away or change in a blink. I wonder if I really do have a realistic view of my body or if I have some kind of distorted view. How does one come to terms with their body when their body is so imperfect? How do some people do it? Even my bff seems to be ok with herself and she is way more overweight than I am. I just seem unable to control my body and it makes me mad. I want so bad to go back to 17 years old when I weighed 155 lbs and felt good and confident. I miss that feeling of not having to apologize for my body. I know my body isn't all there is to me but it's hard not to think that way sometimes. I beat myself up for any and all shortcomings. A shortcoming could be as slight as only running three miles instead of four or five or it could be as bad as eating too much and feeling like puking. I cannot accept or love myself as someone who is overweight. I reject myself. I have no idea how I would or why it would be important to accept myself it that light.

I have been having my dizzying headaches again today and lastnight. I haven't had those aching and even sharply painful headaches much since moving out of my parents. I used to have to sleep during the day under heavy drugs in complete darkness becasue my headaches would be so bad. I just get these insane sinus headaches and I almost want to scream. I think that was why I even took all those pills before going to the hospital program recently. I just wanted to escape all the pain. I can't think through such numbing and mind blowing pain. I just took all thsoe pills to silence the pain. I couldn't take it and now that it seems to be coming back in part it scares me. I think that kind of pain makes me do some pretty crazy things.

Another thing that I keep thinking about is how I am so not ready for any kind of intimate relationship. Even if I were skinny again or good looking I still wouldn't be ready. I just don't seem capable of opening up or letting someone close. I can't get over my abuse and the things that have become embedded in who I am.