Dude, I Think Meds are the Bomb...

I've been having nightmares again. It's odd though because I don't fully come out of sleep anymore so the panic is more in the dream than out. I have been waking up sweating but freezing. Odd. I have these nightmares where I am always striving to protect people who cannot protect themselves and in the end the impending doom is eminent and I end up with complete panic coursing through my veins. I know these dreams are saying something. I am just not sure what. I have dreams about dying and about my father. I really do know I can be safe somewhere but the one place I can never be safe is my dreams. I wish that I could somehow feel at peace in sleep but I do not. Atleast it is not as bad as when I was at home. Grinding one's teeth to the point of requiring a dentist's intervention really sucks. I hate dentists and I hate the pain of waking to a locked jaw. I remember the first time I spent the night with someone who told me "Hey dude you grind your teeth like a maniac." I think as time as gone by and I have gone to safe places and found safer people I have relaxed more but my BFF still says she feels me twitching andhears me grinding my teeth in my sleep.

So I don't really let people in but I let in a few still and sometimes those few end up really hurting me still. I think I made a big mistake trying to give Phil another chance. The guy is still sneaking around with other girls. It's not even that I would mind if he did see other girls, hell he could even be sleeping with them, I jsut want to know about it and not be lied to. He knows all this and yet I still find him with a girl this week. It was completely by accident and only by spontaneous action that I even had the chance to see. I mean he knew he was in deep shiz I think because he did that glazed over look. So, he texts me today you know asking if I'm ok how I'm doing and trying to hint that he wanted to hang out. I just let it go and wouldn't say anything specific, said I had hw which was true and didn't go see him. I was hanging out with a les friend and we were trying to move a bookcase from one apt to another two blocks away and it was proving rather tough so I call him to ask him to help. He of course doesn't pick up. Big surprise. He is pouting again. I don't even care. That is the thing. He tries so hard to get me to care about lame drama and I just don't. So friend tries calling him even though I say dude just leave it. He calls her back but she doesn't pick up. Whatever. She is a good friend. Sticks up for me and shiz. I guess it is pretty much over with Phil cus I aint doing this drama this semester. I got enough on my plate and the agreement was to be low key and no drama which he broke.

I realized that my TAing is at the same time as my tdoc appt which since I only saw him once so far isn't all that crazy that I wouldn't realize but anyway realized I won't be able to see him this week either which I am surprisingly fine with. I usually flip if I miss an appt with docs but I am fine. The new medicated Sher is way chill like a chic who's been smoking weed and just chillin on the porch. I just am like whatevs man. I did get all my hw done today so this next week I have to study for a couple tests but shouldn't be too bad.

I am surprised how much I don't feel the need for people these days. I just don't socialize and I am fine. It's way different cus I used to have to talk to atleast my bff but now I can go days without talking to people and I'm fine. I don't even speak in class and I'm totally chill. I guess I jsut realized people don't really live up to my expectations or something. I have no idea. I don't even have expectations anymore though. I think about how I am going to do this or that but I don't stress and I don't think about heavy stuff all that much. I am jsut relaxing and then I think about how I could totally mess myself up and then I am like nope it's all good man. I guess the meds are working a good deed on me. I feel like a totally different person but hey it's all good. I think I still have personality but perhaps I am a little flat though in a really good way. It's not that I am not present cus I am totally present, I'm jsut not concerned or worried bout nothing. Go with the flow man...