Been trying to figure out if something has triggered the last two days of bad nights and the only thing I see in common is the flipping door to my room that doesn't latch and opens in the middle of the night or when a roomie leaves for class early in the morning at like 7am. For me I wake up instantly to something like that with my heart racing and freaking out that someone is in my room. It really scares me and takes a while to calm down from. I went to bed at a descent hour lastnight but at 8:30 when I left for class it was as if I had never slept. I was so tired that it has taken til about half an hour ago to finally feel awake. I just am not getting enough sleep and this is frustrating to me because I am working really hard to do well in school and personal goals.
Today especially I notice myself rather emotionless but present. I am wondering if this is meds induced. I felt very present in my psych classes today but was bored and rather uninterested. I was more apathetic than anything. I used to feel passion about things and now I only feel the shadow of what used to be what I felt. I know it's still there but it has been buried far below the surface. I FEEL MEDICATED now. I don't want to live my life as a shadow of the person I once was. On the other hand I want to live and the meds are making that happen at the moment. I kind of like the feeling of being on drugs but I know that isn't a good thing.
So I've been gaining weight on the Risperdal and I am totally utterly depressed about it. I feel so sick to my stomach to even think that I have gained weight despite running my exercise routine into the ground. I just feel hungry and it's hard not to give in to that. Ugh. I'm almost too depressed to care. I am jsut trying to eat less and exercise more. Sigh. I feel disgusting.
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