As each day comes to an end and I realize that my time soon comes to lay awake in bed full of dread or to wake to nightmares I find that I avoid sleep. I avoid the painful wakening from a terrible nightmare because the fear is so intense, the pain so real, the aloneness too stark. At the end of each day I feel like there is not time enough to let my problems get resolved before I sleep but I find that if I try to sleep without letting my fears and problems out then I am in for a sleepless and awful night. I don't know what to do about this since there is never time enough to lay my fears/dreads/problems/pain to rest before sleeping.
I contemplate quitting school because everyday is so excruciating to go to class, to even show up, that I wonder how much longer I can do it, all the time. I can't sleep and when I can't sleep how on earth can I be expected to go to class or even have the presence of mind to study or take a test. I just wonder if I ought to quit and start working again and forget school for a while.
I've been thinking, no fantasizing, about quitting school and taking off to a new town and starting over. I think it would be a breath of fresh air. I want so badly to get out of this school where I feel I am suffocating but I have found great roommates and somehow feel obligated to stay. Why? I haven't a clue. I find that I am a better person when I am here and not back home with certain people who appeal to the rebel in me.
I don't even know what I am saying anymore. I slept a few hours lastnight and a fist full the night before and so on.
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