Another day, or is it still yesterday?

I've been trying to pay more attention to my moods what with keeping this new mood chart and all. Makes me realize how preposterous my idea about being bp was. I really don't have ups now. I don't really get those achy lows either though. Well, not the way I used to get lows anyway.

I haven't been sleeping much-4 hours lastnight-and yet I try. I lay in bed and wonder how much time has gone by, it's like a game, I swear. I haven't been working out because I have been so tired that the last time I worked out I nearly passed out. Even when I DO sleep I am in some kind of restless listless light sleep. It sucks.

I used to sleep well on the meds but seems I don't anymroe. I don't blame the meds for it but I do wish I felt more routine. I feel off kilter when I don't get enough sleep. I forgot about my midterm the other day and I completely blame it on my lack of sleep. Sigh. I feel better on meds but then the being tired leaves me back down so really how much does it help?

Che comes over yesterday and asks me the million dollar question; "Who's there for you?" when I talk about being there for my friend when she SIs. I know she wants to be there for me. I can't help it though. I smile and can't relax. It's jsut how I am. I know I have let her in more than most though. Her and Tiff seem to really see me. Most people don't really see me. It's nice to be seen.

I am trying to be selective and let some people in. I talk to Che and Tiff even when I have the urge to shut up. I text em even when I want to be alone. I trudge through the lows and still do what I want to do. Is this my way of trying to live the life I would choose regardless of the dp? I think so.

I have been pushing myself to go out more and be social. It's working. Too bad my studies get in the way. Lol. I have two tests this week and haven't done nearly enough studying so today will be a day full of reading and re-reading. I hate school. I truly hate it. Only reason I do it is for the end result; the diploma. I want to quit everyday. No joke.

Guess I feel like quitting on a lot of things. I rememeber the first time I went to see a tdoc. I never wanted to come back. Here I am 9 years later still coming back to docs though. Guess I figure I have no idea what helps but not being in therapy somehow leaves me spinning. Perhaps my only compass is measuring my health through someone else's eyes. Still contemplating that whole bp thing.

I feel rather empty of thoughts/feelings/reactions lately what with no sleep. Sigh. Guess I ought to start the sleeping pills again. Don't want to but might have to.

Roommates keeping talking about guys and how so and so is so cute and how so and so should date a guy or how they wish a guy would ask them out and it reminds me how different I am from most around me. I jsut flat do not care. I don't base my self worth or promise on guys or dates. Weirdos. I forget sometimes how much others want to "get some."

Why is it that people seem to need to be "with" someone to be happy? Happiness comes from inside not outside yourself. I don't think that means that dp people are to blame for their illness though. People who imply or out right say that make me want to vomit then drop kick them. Pisses me off when people who have never experienced dp say it's something to snap out of or act like we are jsut weak sauce for being unhappy, as if it is a choice we chose. Grrr. I don't get fired over much these days but that still irks me enough to rub me the wrong way.

My eng prof is a prime example of wasted flesh. The boy, I say boy because seriously he is, really needs to grow up and go back to school. I am tired of paying to listen to him blab on about nothingness and pretend that it is philosophy even though we are in an english class. What is the boy smoking? Sometimes I wonder. Wondering makes me think of all the people I tune out because heaven knows I tune this boy out. Is it bad that I tune most people out after the first word? I am still not sure what anyone said at fhe this semester. Where does tuning out become unhealthy dissociation?

I'm not even sure I feel much of anything anymore. Oh well. Not feeling much means I feel nothing about the feeling nothing.