Wow. I forgot to finish that thought...again. Meds. Geez. I am retarded lately. I forgot to go to therapy. I forgot about the test. I forgot why the sky is always raining on me and trying to ruin my life. J/k on that last part.
I have been very forgetful lately. I really just need a vaca from life. I mean come on people, if I have to live in this awful hellish life of mine can't I just get wickedly drunk every now and again?...and slowly drink away my life? That was a joke. I really do want to get drunk. Did anyone else realize how much I am bringing this up lately? Well I do.
Anyway, meds. This is insane, oh wait, no, I'M insane.
*****insert randon thought*****
Che, if you are reading this, You are seriously amazing. And Tiff, if you are reading this, don't be jealous cus we all know I think you are freaking incredible too!
*****random thought done*****
Meds. Back on track. So, I'm thinking positively about the whole thing and trying to see this as an opportunity to be ok. I am working out regularly, which is more than I can say for most of my post high school days. I have been in an extra contemplative mood the last few days and feel the desire to relfex on a few quotes.
"Strength is the willingness to take risks...to disclose yourself...being real."
"It's not the mountain we conquer, but ourselves" -Edmund Hilary(first man to climb mt. everest)
"Until one is committed, there is hesitancy."
"Don't let the fear of striking out keep you from playing the game."-Babe Ruth
"It is not fair to ask of others what you are unwilling to do yourself."
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take teh next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."-Eleanor Roosevelt
"A friend in one before whom I may think aloud."-Ralph Waldo Emerson
...and with that last thought I think I have summed up the entirety of my deep thoughts. I think that there are so often moments that pass us by in life because we are too busy figuring out what to do with ourselves next that we don't stop and notice what is going on around us. I have often been surprised when I really did stop and look around myself. I was surprised to realize that the walk home from the gym really is a pleasant one. I was surprised to find that my sorrows were paling in comparison to my neighbor's. I think that if we all cared more deeply about the well-being of those around us that we would all be better taken care of.
I find myself wondering how much pain would have been avoided in life on this earth if people would have stopped to think about the far reaching amplification of what they were attempting to do. When a girl opens her mouth to make a smart aleck remark does she consider the fragile state of the person recieving the comment or does she just selfishly feel that restraining herself and her words is not worth the effort?
I feel like I am rambling tonight which is fine I guess since I am not talking much lately. I don't feel like I have much to say but others want things to be said so I struggle to find words. Sometimes I am a real idiot and I miss things. I didn't realize that my sister was not ok until she started sobbin. I am usually an expert on such things(I am rather proud of the fact that I detect emotional states so well. Others are not such fans). Poor little sister though. I am the rock in the family. I bear the trials and hardship and I walk with a stiff lip. If I don't hold it together, no one will.
I don't mind being the one people come to for support. It actually ends up helping me quite a bit because I find that in losing myself in the service to others I often come to terms with my own self. I think this is why I was always such a fan of the local wildlife programs and the parks service projects. I have always loved to do things for others. I just always wanted to feel like I did something. I only wish people would let me help. So often people do not let me help and it hurts me. I would love nothing more than to sit and quietly listen to a person struggling but so often people resist that opportunity. Jill comes to mind.
The thing that tears me up the most and I am trying to get over is when I know someone is not ok and I realize that I have to walk away, not becasue I don't care but because they won't let me in. I have been through hell, no one would really deny that except my fucked up family but I still try ot let people in. I take risks. I take chances. I get hurt. I put my foot out into the dark and wait for people to lead me. I just wish other people would do the same. End of soap box. I feel alone. Darn that feeling. I have been told to try and remember that people are still there in spirit in when not in person but still I feel utterly alone.
Especially when people are asleep and I lay wide awake. I hate this. I lay there and the longer it goes the more I go crazy. I am the most messed up right before I go to bed. I have noticed this for quite some time now. I let go and a lot of the pent up feelings of the day come to the surface. Tonight I try to push thoughts out of my mind of taking my arm and strapping it down to the burner and leaving it on high. Oh what a charming thought. How I long to follow through. I can't afford to try and hide that kind of wound though and the mear action would leave me craving more, I jsut know it. Must. Resist.
Crossing fingers that Jenna doing phone sessions will be a realistic thing and might actually happen.
Just dissociated. Oops. I'm back. Earth to Sher. Why does the thought of not being able to talk to Jenna produce such a reaction. Too raw evoking. Will delve into that thought at later date.
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