Progress...self discovery

Things are differnet; how different, only time can tell. I have often felt that the passing of time has brought many unexpected yet eye-opening experiences. I know that from here on out I can't do the things I have done in the past. I am changed and this change can only be made real by my committment to it and by involving it by a change in action throughout all areas of my life.

I have been reflecting a lot lately on the mistakes I have made and the forgiveness I require from so many. I wish a million times that I could go back and never hurt all those people but the reality is; I did. I have short changed, rearranged, and left people in the dark. All those things cannot be made undone nor can I somehow take back so many of the hurtful things I once said. I wish that I could somehow take those things back.

Sometimes I think that my silence in later life is a reaction to the loose tongued nature I had so often growing up. I said a lot of things I wish I could take back and I hada lot of things said to me that I wish had been taken back. I know that time cannot be undone and the woven thread of actions cannot be changed but a part of me wishes I could grovel enough to gain forgiveness from the people I have offended.

I often feel that I have much to ask forgiveness for from my parents. I know I hurt them and no matter what they did to me they did not deserve a kid like me. I made so many mistakes. I feel awful that I was such an angry child and that I fought so much with my parents. I often feel that I provoked them to anger and in some way am at fault for their feelings. I try to be reasonable and see that feelings must be owned by the person feeling them but it's hard.

I have been dealing with triggers a lot better lately and I had a bit of self discovery while in the shower. I have noticed that a lot of my self discovery happens in the shower. Coinencidence. Freud would disagree. Glad he isn't in my head. I realized that the SI recently has occurred at a time when I am showing real improvement and I was blind to that.

I got caught in something that I should have completely avoided because I know how it goes. I know that people start to do better, don't see the progress, get discouraged, hurt themselves, and hinder their own progress in healing. Dumb of me. I really should be more wise to these things these days. After all, my schooling is all about learning how to be a better person. Wonder how I'm doing. I wonder how others woudl rate me.