Wow. I am so beyond pissed off that I can barely keep myself contained. Sometimes my problem with trust becomes too much of a barrier in my relationships but this is one time where I am almost certain that I am not being crazy. I cannot even begin to describe how violated I feel. I cannot even begin to try and unfold the figurative arms inside myself.
I feel like my jaw has re-tightened and all the parts of my body want to draw close. I don't like feeling this raw and open to the world at such a vulnerable time. I wish I had not let myself become this way. I regret it right now because it is leaving me so angry I can't even slow my breathing. I don't get this way often but congratulations someone pushed just the right fucking button.
I wish I could say I forgive easily and that this will go away but I know myself well enough to know that this is not going to go away and I am not going to trust this person again. It's too bad too; I was making progress. Actually, I believe this is a fault of mine; opening up and then not knowing where to draw the line in the sand. I have no idea how to pull back once I have been exposed. This is a problem for me.
I cannot ever confront this person irl so here I am trying with all my might to somehow swallow this and make it all go away. I know I am not stable on the meds again yet and perhaps that instability is getting me here but I am ready to go off them again or simply OD. WTF?! This is so messed up. I can't even see the beginning of when I first started feeling this way except to see that somehow this isn't going away and I am ready to shut the front door and shut everyone out. This is how I recooperate; dissociate the world away and shut it all out. The world has never been a safe place and now I am reminded of this is a shot-to-the-gut kind of way.
I am not even sure what is real half the time. I know my pdoc was all about telling me I am sane and it's totally normal for people to halucinate but this may be a little much. I am not even sure that I am halucinating because how in the freak would a person know such a thing?!
All I really am certain of at this point is that I am so far gone that I'm not so sure therapy can bring me back. I just wonder what parts of my life I will have to hide now. There are times in life when you gotta crawl. There are times in life when you gotta fall. But, just how far and how long I have no way of knowing. A part of me feels like I messed up big this time but in the end none of it matters becasue when I stop and focus on life I realize that I don't matter and knowing that I don't matter signifies just how much none of this matters and so I wonder as I write if I ought to even publish any of this.
I don't even know where to turn anymore. I really wish I felt like someone cared but I don't. And right on cue the water works come to say hello and remind me that I am flailing in the wind, falling, without a parachute. But snap! I dissociate and it all goes away, the tears dissapear and I am nothing, feeling nothing. How is it that I do that? I jsut want to feel some sort of pain to calm the sense of nothingness I feel. Not what I would call an ideal way to cope but wtf am I to do anymore? Ten years of therapy and meds and all for what? To land right back in this place. A place where no dream could ever come true and no hope could ever find a place to be justified.
With no tdoc and no really sense of what is going on for me I feel rather hopeless. I wish that my parents would help me out and help me pay for a therapist but to them this is all something I ought to "get over" or "snap out of" and since I can't do that I am left with thoughts of suicide, almost too real to have not already happened.
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