I keep trying to read my book (CBT for PTSD;the clinical approach) but I am getting brain overload like every page. So then I switch to The Divine Center (via Tiffany) but that book yeilds the same exactl results. I wonder; what is wrong with me? I used to read all the flippin time!
Oh so btw I have decided that The Cleaner is my new favorite tv show. It pretty much hanks my heart strings. Why do tv shows like that do that? In Plain Sight is the only other tv show that seems to do that to the same extent. Somehow the PTSD in the show hits my core. Something about relating. The Cleaner just reminds me how far I have gone and how far down I can go again if I mess up my cleanness and sobriety.
Anyone else notice how good I look in my new pink shirt? J/k.
Got the inevitable email from Jenna. Guess I was right. I didn't want to be right though. I didn't want her to deny me but hey you know she woulda brought it up a long time ago if it really was an option, right? Now I am totally on my own. I wonder why I feel so calm. I should be freaking out but somehow I feel like I have permission to do whatever the F I want now that I have no therapist to monitor me and my ptsd/dp. Really, I just want to get wickedly wasted. If only I could cue those halucinations and relive some drunken moments. Not that I really want to be that good looking skank again. I jsut want the drugs and alcohol. Some weed, please? Please? Why do I have to be such an addict? Ah! Ok trying to think of something else, ANYTHING ELSE. How bout food. Nope. Trying not to eat my feelings. I don't digest food at the same rate as Brit so eating my feelings would soon become eating my car.
I've settled on school as a new topic. School. Oh boy. I am totally screwing THAT up. Shiz. I need to take care of biz. Problem is, I feel so stressed that I avoid it altogether. I had plans to go to bed early lastnight cus I knew I was tired. Yup. 14 hours of sleep must count as tired, right? Sigh. I am totally failing out of school. This is so bad. Glad I am transferring back to Portland soon. I really want to get through this semester though and stay for fall. I would love it above all other things. Which brings me back to the Psychology hw I am supposed to be doing right now. Sigh. I hate my life. Sometimes. Right now.
****throw psych book at row of computers opposite me in the library****
Much better.
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