Mania?

Feeling pretty good today. Been tracking my mood today. I started by taking a look at the mood chart I presently have then I began to think about how much my mood flutuates throughout the day and how I really need to track it three times a day. I began the day with a toss of dissociating throughout all of english and then getting a lot of hw done during my study break, then getting the ultimate frustration when my marriage professor kept ignoring me trying to give my imput on topic when fuck I rarely do so WTF does he always ignore me? I figure it is because I don't automatically agree with him 24/7 like some of the students.

I find though that I feel pretty good today. I feel like the clouds are finally parting on all this depression. I swear this is the first internal sun I have felt since last July. Crazy. I guess this is good. Even though I had been tossing around the idea of going off the meds I am totally happy to be on the 1.5 mg Risperdal and 60 mg Propranolol. What a glorious feeling. Hmmm. I hope this feeling stays. I hate to chock it up to a manic type thing.

I feel like I sometimes have unexplained moods but today I think it might really be a good day due to getting a lot done, feeling successful, and hell it's my birthday this weekend so I guess I feel good. I guess going to the big city with friends and playing cards with close friends all night long should count as a reason to be happy eh? Well I really need to focus on keeping my head together because I am trying to truly succeed this semester in school. I have been doing ok but not awesome. I have a sprinkling of effort over all. I find that somedays I only have X amount of caring and when it is spent then I care about nothing anymore.

Today there jsut happens to be plenty of X to go around. I did get turned down by my friend Ry to going with my friends to the big city. I don't feel like the news is affecting me much though; usually those things do though. Oh well.

I feel really grateful today. I have been getting in that mood lately though with Flame's thread on dbsa about things to be grateful for though. Sometimes I jsut need a reminder of what I have.

As summer comes closer and my trip to California gets iminent I get more and more excited. I really am going to enjoy myself this summer. I need that. I need to really feel happy. I need to feel like I did well and did all I coluld this semester to get good grades. I want to feel good about myself, is that so wrong?

I am skipping out on work tonight though to party. Oops. Guess I am not being totally responsible. Oh well. I let myself off the hook this weekend.