Sleeping with the Enemy

I was up with all these thoughts in my head so I turned on the tv. I flipped to some random channel and started watching a movie with Julia Roberts in it. It was called Sleeping with the Enemy. Watching it makes me realize how far I have come. It is nice to know things don't haunt me the same way they used to. I think that for a long long time I lived in terror of other people. I felt like letting anyone close was so risky. I feared that anyone with any kind of power would use it against me. Ever since pieces of my courage were shredded I have known that if anyone ever did anything to me, I would simply take it. I always wanted to believe there were people out there who wouldn't use that knowledge against me but deep inside I never believed it.

Anyway, I feel like I have moved past a lot of that. I don't feel so afraid of people now as I once did. I feel a little more confident in standing up for myself. Recently I was abruptly reminded that I can't yet fight anyone off but I think I am still making progress. I still don't think I relax around people but I have learned to let a few people into my life less guarded.

Watching this movie though, after a while, made me want to curl up into a ball and cover myself with a blanket. I guess sometimes such a vivid reminder of what has happened leaves me feeling panicked and all breathless. I try not to think much about my abusive past. It tends to leave me debilitated if I do. Guess maybe it wasn't the smartest thing for me to keep watching the movie but something kept me from moving or turning it off.

How does one come back from something like that? It's like the war veteran who can't get death out of his mind. The soldier has ptsd permanently right? I used to be so sure that I was permanently damaged...but now I know differently. I don't feel so ruled by my past anymore. I feel like I can go to sleep without the fear of someone coming in in the middle of the night to terrorize me. I feel like I can walk alone in the dark and not feel terrified. These things are a big deal to me. I used to be so scared of the dark but I feel more ok with it now.

I thought I could watch the movie but eventually I turned it off. I felt too affected. I guess there are still parts of me that are broken. I can't seem to shake some of this residual damage. I think part of the reason I have always been so interested in psychology is because I just HAD to know why a man could be so vicious. Just like th horror movie I cannot bear to watch I can't bear to not know why someone could do something awful to another human being.

I'm not even wholly sure that I would be trying so valiantly to be so kind to people if I had not been treated so harshly for so long. I don't want anyone else to know what it is like to feel like you are nothing. i want the people I care most about in this life to know that they are worth everything to me and I would never hurt them. I even want strangers to know they are worth something. I shiver just recalling some of the past. There's no reason anyone else should know what it's like to feel this way.

Sometimes memories overwhelm me and I feel like even my very skin retreats from the world. I guess underneath all my facades I am just scared of being hurt ever again. The few times I have felt safe in my life have been as a refuge from a hurricane. I hate bringing any of this kind of stuff up but sometimes it eats at me and I have to say a few words to put my heart at peace. I realize now that it has been a while since I have felt affected by all of the past. A few days ago I had a vivid reminder that I hate small spaces and I still feel claustrophobic. I guess those things don't go away as easily as an illness. Sometimes I worry that I am too damaged for anyone to put up with.