Marriage, family life, and compromise...

There are these periods in my life where I almost never listen to music and my life seems to flow just fine and other times where I seem to live and breath every word of every song that I pulse through my ears. Right now? I'm in one of those places where I listen for hours to music and just sit/lay there soaking it all up. I feel like I have made leaps and bounds over the last two years in learning to express myself but I still feel like music fills some sort place in me and somehow listening to words that speak of things I feel, then the feelings come out.

I have been listening to lots of rock lately. I have been in country phases and techno and even pop but lately it's been nothing but rock. I keep thinking about all my favorite songs by daughtry and nickelback. Good stuff.

I was talking to my little sister the other day and I realized something I had never really thought of before. You see my older brother is unmarried but lives with a woman who has had two of his kids. This by itself might not mean much but then there is what my sis and I were talking about. She was talking about how excited she is to come to college in two months and I was asking her about her bf who of course she is leaving behind. Anyway, I asked her if she was excited to meet some guys up at college and she got stoked and said that there would be hundreds of hott guys around.

I started joking around with her because both my little sisters are dating guys and of course I am dating no one, anyway I said hey I will be your bridesmaid when you decide to get married to a nice man at college. She said "ew! tell me that in three years!" I was kinda surprised cus I know my sis and I know she likes guys and totally wants to have sex...who doesn't? She remarked that she doesn't want to be tied down and wants to have options. I realized right then that none of my siblings wants to settle down with a partner because they don't want to end up like all the people in our extended family as well as our parents.

I sure don't want to be like my parents but in some ways I have made more progress than my siblings in this department. I feel like with the right person at the right time things will work out with some hard work involved. I guess my brother and sister jsut feel like marriage always ends in unhappiness and disaster. I agree, but only when people don't learn to compromise or grow as a unit and not separately.

I think that a couple has to be willing to work together on many fronts in order for a marriage to be successful. When it comes to autonomy, one has to be willing to give a certain amount up for the sake of the relationship. I think that when you take two separate people and they come together there will always be conflict but it is how they deal with the conflict that sets them apart from other couples.

When I look at relatively happy couples the things that pop out to me are their willingness to talk about everything, including conflict as well as key other things. I think that happy couples take care of each other. When each person it taking care of the other person then everyone is taken care of and selfishness has a hard time creeping in. It is when selfishness and pride creep in that couples start down a road to trouble. There is always a way back for couples but once you are on the rocks it's hard to get off.

A deep abiding unconditional positive regard is pretty key as well. When people feel that way towards each other then it transcends any conflict or grievance. If I know that I care about my sister deep down and she says something hurtful then I can overcome that hurt to talk about it and move past it. When people do not have unconditional positive regard, that is when they become unwilling to open up wounds to heal them.

Sometimes I think the people with the greatest chance at happiness in marriage are those who are fully aware of all the ways things could go wrong. I don't mean that people have to be pessimistic but being realistic about things that could happen will go far. When you recognize your own weaknesses as well as your partner's then I think that there will be less surprises and you will be able to catch problems faster.

I guess when it comes down to it people who are educated are more likely to find happiness in marriage. I guess my point is that I find it interesting that seeing parents whose marriage is in shambles tends to destroy the children's desire for marriage. I have seen it time and time again as well as read enough to know it to be true.

Song of the day: still...

Life After You by Daughtry