A letter never sent nor read

Dear Travis,

Why'd you have to go? Why did you give up in the ultimate act? Why couldn't you find the words to tell me how bad things were? What has happened to you? How are things for you now? What did God say to you? Did he tell you that he still loves you despite what you did to all of us here who care so much about you? I know I feel the ache of the loss a lot sometimes and other times I feel like living a life of my own is the best I can do to honor the memory of you. Brandon calls me sometimes crying. I have held him in my arms as he bawled. I wonder sometimes if you could have seen that before you died, if you would still have done it.

I wonder sometimes if your parents knew what damage they were doing to you by making an ultimatum about you serving a mission. When you came home early you seemed to have an even more broken spirit. I tried to think of some way I could help you but I often said nothing at all. I regret that. I swore the day you lay in the casket that I would never pass a person up again who was suffering. I try to live my life by that oath I took.

Sometimes I think about death adn suicide and my thoughts turn to you. I think about the times growing up that we wrestled each other to the ground and teased each other in good fun. I think about how you struggled in school and often felt discouraged. I think about how much we all liked to make fun of princess brides. You know, "Mawmidge, is what brings us together, today...!" I guess looking back it was pretty stupid but I still look back. I know we did some stupid things and hey when I came to school at byui it was partially because of you. I started the Paramedic program just like you. I know you never made it and I wonder how many lives you would have saved had you finished.

It saddens me to know that you left me and Brandon and Russ here alone without you. It was hard in the town for a while. People felt the overwhelming gloom of it all. I was working at Sysco that summer, if you remember. I worked 70 hours a week on average. I think my job was the only thing that held me together that summer.