Sometimes I walk through life in a fog. I seem to sense very little in the crevices deep in the rock I like to call my heart. You see, others cry when it seems appropriate or the words cue them. Me? Nope. I sit without a single emotion on the outer side of the wall painted clear across my face. I know I ought to not worry about myself in comparison to others but I do. Mostly I just realize how little I truly show on the outside. There are the emotions I allow to show around those I trust and those I long to trust but mostly the windows to my eyes are clouded and foggy so that no one might know what I am thinking or feeling or even if I AM thinking or feeling.
I've been so numb for days that I just haven't had the presence of mind to write anything on my blog and I guess there have been moments where the thought of failing out of school almost overwhelm me to drastic action but so far I have barely held those things at bay.
I have been thinking a lot about what I want for the future and well honestly I have come up with very little. Something that came to my mind pretty vividly though was a flashback to living in Tigard with Kiersten and the fight with Jessica Lee. Of course, that brings up memories of her changing her life, going off the meth, and starting the process of serving a mission. I felt lucky to be a part of her life. I felt that she understood what it is like to be different, to be judged. I will never forget her. It causes me quite a bit of sadness though when I think where her life is at present.
When I went back to BYU-I, Jessica was pretty alone and then came the news that the bishop, Mel's dad and the stake president wouldn't let her go on a mission for a few months. She waited those few months. Once again they said "let's wait a little while." Pretty soon she realized that they wouldn't let her go. I felt for her. I knew that it was a big deal that she even wanted to serve a mission but it seemed that the leaders didn't feel she was worthy. She was totally worthy. It tore me up to see men use their power for the wrong. I felt that with the refusal to make her life matter, that Jess was going downhill.
About halfway through the semester Jess moved back to Utah where her move producer father had welcomed her back to work with him. I knew that on the one hand it was good for her to get away from the influences of Portland but on the other hand I knew tha moving back to the place where she had messed up so many times would be way difficult for her to withstand. I couldn't really do much to help her and pretty soon she was using meth again. Then she took off for Hawaii and here we are today with her living in Hawaii and totally using meth to the disaster and catastrophic results of ruining her life.
I guess looking back I feel a bit responsible. I know I shouldn't, but I do. Anyway, the whole point of saying I was looking back on her and me and everything is to say that I remember the fight we had back in the day. It was way ugly. Not because she really yelled or because she said particularly horrible things. It was that she said something at just the right pitch and right tone and it was true and it hurt. Jess was mad because I was too depressing. All I talked about was how the past hurt and how the present sucked. It did suck. Her argument was that I never told her when I was happy and or when things were going well.
The problem with her words were that they were sharp without much help from her voice. The words cut me to the core. I knew that even I wouldn't want to be my friend at that point. I was a full blown drunk at the time and I worked 24/7 and when I wasn't working or drunk I was driving downtown for yet another appt with Jenna. I hated the fact that I wasn't talking to my family and that I was out of control and that my living arrangement sucked. I find myself realizing that I am reminding myself of how I was back then. I need to stop telling people how much things suck. I need to shut the hell up about my inner thoughts and try to just find a few things each day that might be slightly nice and speak about those things.
For day I am picking the fact that my sports psych class made me realize a few things. First that I am very very lucky to have a cell phone. Ya, small stuff but hey man I gotta start somewhere, right? I guess part of the reason today is different than previous days is that I slowed down enough to realize what is stirring within me. I lay there for a hour or so in my bed, then it hit me. I haven't just sat or laid somewhere in silence for quite some time.
Stopping my feet long enough for my emotions to catch up is rough. I feel the rawness of it all pressing against my temples and I am trying to focus. I myself feeling some emotions that I must get out. I apologize to the world that I am a bitter bitter person but I feel hurt. That's just it. I try to be positive but things come crashing down so easily in my life. I wonder if I self-destruct as soon as something seems to be working out or if really I am meant to go through hell and back to make myself a better person.
I am off the meds. Have been for a while. It seems too late to go running back to them but I have to say that this bouncing around thing is getting difficult to hide from people. Up down, Sideways, side to side, and all around. It is crazy. I find myself wanting to hide from everything and everyone right now. I know that I am in that place where even the slightest inflection of voice could pierce the very skin on my body. I am not even sure how to recover from it either.
I don't even blame people for not wanting to hang out with me. I get it. I doesn't take much to recall Jill or Kris. It's not like everyone is like me and actually find those people amazing despite the pessimism and hurt in their eyes. I guess there really is no way I could be normal. I mean look at my life and who I am today. I am a wreck. I am two steps from drowning myself in a Smirnoff bath and passing out next to a bottle of pills.
I know that I am oh so close to disaster and yet I just don't take steps to call a tdoc or talk about it. I guess I just want other people to be spared of me. I don't want to bring anyone else down. I feel responsible for many people in my life. I know I have influence and even looking back to high school I turned Becky Hodgson into a drug addict and high school drop out. I feel so utterly dirty for ruining her future. I can trace every moment of her high school career to things I did and her mimicking me. I jsut wish I could go back and set things right. I messed things up bad. I somehow managed to recover to some degree but poor Becky...I still hear about her every now and again from old friends. She aint doing so swell.
I walked through many things in life and lived to tell the tale. Many aren't so lucky. I feel grateful to have survived, sometimes.
I don't feel like I deserve anything anymore. I know what a mess I've made of life and all. I don't deserve love or companionship so freak I don't feel like life has cheated me or anything. More than anything I have ever known in life I have known solitude and it doesn't scare me anymore. It doesn't even scare me that I feel like I won't be back next semester at school. Facing my parents? A little scary. But then...they always expected me to fail so it mattereth not.
I foresee plenty of tv watching, mind dulling, senseless, and coldly calculated moments. I don't want to think anymore. I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to have any memories. Perhaps if I pray just the right amount some merciful God will send a bus to crush my skull. Too much to hope for? I don't exactly have it in my to finish the job anymore. My goal now is not to let anyone else be influenced by me and my life. If I do drugs it will be alone and no more dragging people into hell with me. The drinking? Well I already know who will drink with me. It isn't like Michael has ever stopped thinking about me. Man, sometimes I miss him more than others. After all I cheated on him and he still loved me. Crazy. He might possibly be the only man that knew even the darkest of evil in me and still cared.
No comments:
Post a Comment