Why I am the way I am

I've been dreading sleep again. I'm not even quite sure why the flare up of fear has occurred. I just haven't been sleeping well the last few days and have been struggling to keep up with day to day things though at times I much to do I feel quite dispassionate about doing it. I have been having the night terrors/nightmares more. I have been cleaning a lot and I guess that is a sign that I feel out of control in my environment or so it's been in the past. I have been having a hard time focusing on studying again too. I have been doing so well at staying on top of classes these first two weeks of class but I am finding myself unconcerned about missing classes again and well I just keep forcing myself to go but even when I do that I still don't get much from it.

I find myself almost entirely issolated and I have been trying to pinpoint factors. What comes to mind is my growing social anxiety. I seem to have issues being in front of people more than ever. I don't even want to sit in the front of a class. I feel like staying home and studying rather than going to fhe. I mean sure maybe it would be ok but I care a whole lot more about school than any church function and well my heart just isn't in it. I think that people are great but I seem to be pulling away from them more and more. I don't pocess the capabilities to give people the kind of reactions/relationships they want. I am apathetis towards most things they talk about and am struggling too much to make my own way through my day. Unless someone spikes my attention I find myself tuning them out. I know that is cruel but I seem pretty unable to stop myself from tuning things out these days. I even find myself tuning out my annoying professors. I would rather stay home and study the books than listen to them.

I know that I am jsut naturally someone who like their space and alone time but I am wondering how bad it is or if it's a sign of my depression that I am so issolated. I know in the past being issolated has been a sign of severe depression but now that I'm on meds I feel like I am handling things ok. I know that issolation alos can make my depression worse but I am not so sure that this time all of that applies.

I guess my feeling of being so different from those around me keeps me from socializing too. I like sports cus people in them seem more open to people talking about things openly. In high school it wasn't uncommon for the whole team to talk about issues at home or at school. We jsut all were honest about stuff and open. We knew that the left fielder in softball had an alcoholic dad. We jsut knew and it was no big deal. We watched out for each other. I like that about sports. So much of it transfers to real life. I think that is why I am so attracted to being a ref, coach, captain, and athlete. I know that it is because of sports that I have become so much the person I am today. I may not have been the best batter on the team but I knew my place and I knew I was included. On swim team I knew that my best was ok and I could always feel a winner when I really knew I had given my all. It isn't like that in school or real life most times. It's all about the outcome and not so much about the process or the experience.

Although I quit competitive volleyball I am still going to play on some rec teams because I think I need to atleast be playing sports a couple times a week. I just seem to do better in life when I am playing sports. I may not have the time or emotional availability to play competitive but I still have a need to be out there playing. I like that I work in sports too. Makes me happy on the days I am reffing. I wish that people realized jsut how much sports could help people. I think that it would be the coolest thing ever to be a part of an organization that got people with MI involved in sports of all levels. I knwo that as long as competition was equal between teams and members that the benefits would occur. Helps people develop integrity, coping skills, learn to achieve, build self esteem, work together, etc. I wouldn't be the open, honest, strong person I am today without sports. Sports gives me a place where there were no limitations to the things I can do.

A declaration of (and to) myself

I think in a lot of ways being an alcoholic is like being someone with a MI. For an alcoholic, the recovery includes realizing their impact on others and apologizing. An alcoholic disrupts the lives of those around them and also scares the shit out of them as well. I look back over the years and I see a few people that I truly negatively affected because of my MI. It isn't that others weren't affected; I just simply see the most expressive ones because they spoke out about it. In times of deeper depression I have often lashed out at others in frustration becasue they could not fill the emptiness that I felt in the pit of my stomach.

Those times were I felt so deep a despair that nothing could fix it were tough and I wanted to and tried to be saved/rescued by others. The problem is that no one can rescue or save me. I have fought so many fights inside myself in desperation, trying to find someone or something that would save me or heal me. I see now that no one can save me. I see that I am helpful and need help from professionals.

Now that I am out of the fog of the deep depression, at least in a way, I see that I have left many people in the wake of my destruction. I hurt friends who felt it was their responsibility to keep me safe and away from pain. They wanted to help but I couldn't or wouldn't let them. I involved so mayn people in my life and when I couldn't be there for them it became a one sided relationship of me receiving help but not being able to give back.

The point is not that I couldn't give back. While it is true that I am not capable of a deep relationship with anyone that is not the point. The point is: those people's needs were not met but sacrificed for my sake. When those friends had trouble of their own they feared triggering me and never asked my help, not that I could have given them any if they HAD asked. I hurt people BECAUSE I was hurting. It makes sense to me now. I suddenly see my responsiblility to those I have hurt. I think it is part if the reason I do not form many friendships.

Just as an alcoholic has to see the magnitude of the wreckage they have created in the path of their alcohol consumption I too have hurt and affected many in my life that I feel a responsibility towards. I feel that I require their forgiveness for the pain I have caused them. I feel a deep sense of regret and remorse for the things I have put them through. When I ODed and was supposed to be dead in a day...who was I really hurting? I hurt the people around me. I hurt my good friend who was there at the time. When I hurt myself I am hurting those who care about me.

I owe it to those around me to stop vocalizing such deep agony and despair. I may feel a profound sense of hopelessness, even surrender but I can never allow myself to attempt to hurt myself again for it is because of the people around me that I have made it this far and I owe it to them to truly live my life as a perfect(whole nad complete) person. I owe it to them to try and see what they see in me. This is jsut the beginning of something new for me but I want to put all of myself into trying to become better and not just DOING better. I know that my decisions and actions make who I am and I am ready to step out of the old self and into a self that is willing to put all on the line in order to BECOME MORE.

My name is Sher and I'm an alcoholic.

I watched In Plain Sight tonight and when Mary's mom pleaded guilty to drunken driving it just struck a cord for me. It might be that my own road to a sober life and realizing that I am not able to control my alcohol consumption came up. I remember all too well many nights out late with a certain bf and him letting my drive home drunk. I am still to this day not sure how it was that I never passed out before getting home. I think that I thought it was fine because I only got drunk and then drove real safe and careful home. The thing is though, I have no idea how safe or unsafe I really was. I look back now and can hardly remember all the times I got drunk and drove. I think when I called Lester drunk was the beginning of an eye opening experience. I called her up driving 90 MPH and told her I wanted to come over. She knew I was drunk. I never was good at hiding that. She told me no I couldn't come over after driving drunk and that I needed help getting sober and getting on psych meds. I knew she was right but it made me mad that she spoke to me that way so I flew off the handle at her. I am lucky she is still in my life today. It has been almost two years since then.

Some days I barely make it through alive and sober. I think that sometimes people don't get that I live day to day. I always have. It's just the life I live. I think that had my childhood been different; had my father not beaten my self esteem into non-existence and my brother not sexually abused me, maybe, jsut maybe, things would be different. But then maybe I really am jsut this messed up with or without my past. Guess I'll never know. All I know is that sometimes I wish someone knew me, really knew me because deep down I know that I have never truly let anyone in.

I had a bf at one point who wouldn't mind getting me drunk, in fact I remember many a time waking up somewhere I had no recollection of going to with him. I think that I tried so hard to drown my pain in beer and margaritas that I lost a part of myself in those years. It wasn't until last 4th of July that I realized I had lost it. I went to another city for the weekend to party with an old friend. We went to some guys house that she knew through a guy she worked with. I started drinking and the people there were chill and pretty cool really. I remember having several, maybe 4 Coronas and then having maybe 7 Smirnoffs before I lost all consciousness of how much I was drinking. My friend and a guy were smoking pot. Bad combo. I knew I wasn't ok but I didn't care. Atleast in that moment I lacked the consciousness to know if I cared.

The last thing I remember is waking up the next day sometime in the afternoon on a couch back at my friend's place. She said she thought I was dead at one point. I think I musta been close from the things she said. I am frankly surprised she got me home in one piece. I had drove to the party in the first palce and was drunk driving there so the fact she knew how to get home was a miracle. I think that I finally came to terms with my state that time around. I had attended AA meetings before but never real consistently. I pull out my book every now and again when things get hard though. I think that not drinking is one of the champion things in my life right now. For me, it's really hard to go day to day without drowning myself. I struggle. Watching In Plain Sight tonight brought all that up for me. Sometimes I wonder how I even got sober to begin with after that weekend last July.

Feeling defeated...

I have been trying not to freak out about something recently. I have been losing my hair. Ya. Not kidding. Seems to be a permanent thing cus it's been happening about the last week and a half that I have noticed and it is freaking me out. I have no idea why it's happening or what is causing it. I am not a nervous kind of person so I just can't see it being cus of that. I can't seem to figure out what it could be from though and now I am contemplating cutting my hair really short cus this whole thing has got me spooked. I can't imagine hair loss being a side affect of my meds but perhaps I should check again.

I have felt agitated the last day or two. I jsut seem to be antsy and a little on edge. I find myself fiddling with a pen or compulsively flipping my phone back and forth between side ways and flipping up-I have a Samsung 740. I have been avoiding people pretty consistently and I am beginning to wonder if this is a really bad thing even if it is just the way I am. I haven't felt like being around my roommates much since they have a distain for each other and it seems I am the only barrier between a severe fight breaking out. I have been trying to stay positive but the whole diabetes thing is so much more than a simple fix. I bought some specific health foods to help but right now I feel pretty weak sauce since I work out and eat well but still seem to be gaining weight or atleast not losing the weight already gained. Perhaps it really is crazy but I am this close to beginning a daily regimine of puking after eating. I swear I am just too disgusted by this and I can't handle it anymore. I keeping thinking about how bad it is for me to puke but you know at this point I just can't figure out what else I can do. I guess it's time to take that drastic action just freak I aint gonna take it lying down.

Dude, I Think Meds are the Bomb...

I've been having nightmares again. It's odd though because I don't fully come out of sleep anymore so the panic is more in the dream than out. I have been waking up sweating but freezing. Odd. I have these nightmares where I am always striving to protect people who cannot protect themselves and in the end the impending doom is eminent and I end up with complete panic coursing through my veins. I know these dreams are saying something. I am just not sure what. I have dreams about dying and about my father. I really do know I can be safe somewhere but the one place I can never be safe is my dreams. I wish that I could somehow feel at peace in sleep but I do not. Atleast it is not as bad as when I was at home. Grinding one's teeth to the point of requiring a dentist's intervention really sucks. I hate dentists and I hate the pain of waking to a locked jaw. I remember the first time I spent the night with someone who told me "Hey dude you grind your teeth like a maniac." I think as time as gone by and I have gone to safe places and found safer people I have relaxed more but my BFF still says she feels me twitching andhears me grinding my teeth in my sleep.

So I don't really let people in but I let in a few still and sometimes those few end up really hurting me still. I think I made a big mistake trying to give Phil another chance. The guy is still sneaking around with other girls. It's not even that I would mind if he did see other girls, hell he could even be sleeping with them, I jsut want to know about it and not be lied to. He knows all this and yet I still find him with a girl this week. It was completely by accident and only by spontaneous action that I even had the chance to see. I mean he knew he was in deep shiz I think because he did that glazed over look. So, he texts me today you know asking if I'm ok how I'm doing and trying to hint that he wanted to hang out. I just let it go and wouldn't say anything specific, said I had hw which was true and didn't go see him. I was hanging out with a les friend and we were trying to move a bookcase from one apt to another two blocks away and it was proving rather tough so I call him to ask him to help. He of course doesn't pick up. Big surprise. He is pouting again. I don't even care. That is the thing. He tries so hard to get me to care about lame drama and I just don't. So friend tries calling him even though I say dude just leave it. He calls her back but she doesn't pick up. Whatever. She is a good friend. Sticks up for me and shiz. I guess it is pretty much over with Phil cus I aint doing this drama this semester. I got enough on my plate and the agreement was to be low key and no drama which he broke.

I realized that my TAing is at the same time as my tdoc appt which since I only saw him once so far isn't all that crazy that I wouldn't realize but anyway realized I won't be able to see him this week either which I am surprisingly fine with. I usually flip if I miss an appt with docs but I am fine. The new medicated Sher is way chill like a chic who's been smoking weed and just chillin on the porch. I just am like whatevs man. I did get all my hw done today so this next week I have to study for a couple tests but shouldn't be too bad.

I am surprised how much I don't feel the need for people these days. I just don't socialize and I am fine. It's way different cus I used to have to talk to atleast my bff but now I can go days without talking to people and I'm fine. I don't even speak in class and I'm totally chill. I guess I jsut realized people don't really live up to my expectations or something. I have no idea. I don't even have expectations anymore though. I think about how I am going to do this or that but I don't stress and I don't think about heavy stuff all that much. I am jsut relaxing and then I think about how I could totally mess myself up and then I am like nope it's all good man. I guess the meds are working a good deed on me. I feel like a totally different person but hey it's all good. I think I still have personality but perhaps I am a little flat though in a really good way. It's not that I am not present cus I am totally present, I'm jsut not concerned or worried bout nothing. Go with the flow man...

Meds

Atypical Anitpsychotics:

Aripiprazole (marketed as Abilify)
Clozapine (marketed as Clozaril)
Olanzapine (marketed as Zyprexa)
Olanzapine/Fluoxetine (marketed as Symbyax)
Risperidone (marketed as Risperdal)
Quetiapine (marketed as Seroquel)
Ziprasidone (marketed as Geodon)

all increase blood sugar levels and diabetes

Diabetes wishes it was as strong as me...

Lets see...I have been a leaky faucet lately. I found out today that my diabetes has been worsened by the Risperdal. Hell the old pdoc didn't even properly warn me and I have gained twenty lbs which is just disgusting. I feel awful but not in a normal dp kind of way; more like a I can't control my friggin body kinda way. I hate it. I know if I go off the Risperdal I will be way dp again and that thought is real bad. I don't think I can go back to that place especially when I am in a place where I might change tdocs due to the current one being a tool who falls asleep in session.

Sigh. I hate that I feel so powerless. I really was beginning to feel like my life was getting into order again. I mean I felt capable of school, work, sports, etc but now...I jsut feel like I should quit volleyball but apparently they are still keeping me atleast til I make up my mind on Saturday at the tournament. I keep crying and it sucks but I don't even try to hold back anymore; I just let the tears flow because I feel them and why not let them exist?

Now I am adding insulin to the Rhinocort, Zertex, Risperdal, and Propanolol that I take daily currently. I love life. Well I do love parts. I love volleyball. I love sunsets. I love the beach. I just hate meds and I hate ptsd and dp. I do love Phil, not that we have a lot of time to see each other anymore. Sigh. Sometimes I just don't tell him things and I have no idea why. Why is it I don't tell him how bad things are? I guess I am afraid if I show him how scared I am at times and he doesn't show me love than I feel like something has been ripped inside.

I have been trying so valiantly to keep up with school but I am feeling the strain. I am going to see X Men:Origins with my two roommates though so atleast I am still trying to do fun things for myself. I have so much to do this weekend though. SO much religion homework. I feel like I am being slowly crushed. I dissociated in English today and suddenly I realized it and felt so sad that it happened but happy that it seemed a while since I had done it. I count one day without dissociating now as normal instead of abnormal. It's nice. Nice to go a whole day present. I don't lose earings anymore. Silly but something I like. I feel more vitality as a person now. The meds have given me new life and now to wonder if I have to take that away just makes me cry. I want to be alive in my own life and living every breath instead of waiting each moment for feelings to pass as I resist a lifeless feeling of powerlessness and hopelessness.

I'm working on a paper about CS Lewis for english and I feel I can do it. A month ago that wouldn't have happened nor would I have felt capable. I am going to classes and I am eating and most exalting...I'm sleeping! I'm really sleeping. I'm sleeping. Oh what a glorious thing to say outloud. I want to shout it from the roof of my apt! I mean hell I have never in my life woken like this and not thought a second thought before leaping out of bed to start the day! All these years eating breakfast was hard for lack of sleep but now I wake up 8/9am and I eat and I read and I watch tv, I do homework and I actually EASE into my day instead of JUMPING.

If there is a god he must be a cruel one I swear. Ya? Anyone felt that way? I mean dude seriously the only med that made me non-suicidal made me shoot my blood sugar levels near triple what they should be and gain twenty lbs??? Argh!!

Brighter thought: my bike parts should be here today so I can fix it and take a spin down to the mountain for a little biking. I can't wait. I need to feel a little wind on my face and sun on my arms.